The One and the Ninety and Nine

I don't know what to say or how to say it, but I feel a peace about current events and hope that what I have learned will help someone else who is struggling as they seek for understanding. I hope as I write, its purpose, to provide another perspective, will shine through; I do not seek to excuse or condemn, but I believe understanding can at least engender the beginnings of healing, forgiveness, and hopefully growth. Last, if you're still grieving and hurting, remember to let the hurt finish hurting, even if you find the "right answer" that explains everything away, that doesn't mean the hurt wasn't valid in the first place--it still needs time to heal, too.

For those unfamiliar with the topic of this post, the LDS Bishop's Handbook Policy Change on Nov. 5, 2015, regarding children of same-sex couples, you can refer to my emotional post from last week and Click Here.

The past week since the church handbook leak and official announcement that followed has been so difficult for me personally to overcome and fight my way through just my own emotions, but then to see the chaotic mess all over social media--between my overly empathetic nature when so many shared their heartbreak over my regular facebook as well as one of my favorite groups, Mormons Building Bridges, a group that is generally filled with uplifting posts and comments, or hearing how, for many people, this was the last blow their faith could take because they could no longer recognize their Savior in the church they grew up in any longer, or worse, watching straight individuals who are less impacted by the change proclaim that those who are upset enough to leave the church are in some way invalid in their response, or that the hurt individuals were feeling could be overcome as a matter of "having more faith" or "praying for understanding," it was a challenging way to end the week and I may have spoiled myself by spending way more money than I needed to as a response.

For anyone who is reading this and doesn't know what kind of impact the church handbook policy change has had beyond the theoretical worries people brought when it was first brought up, I'm going to cite some anecdotal evidence that's been shared with me in only the past week--not to disparage the Brethren and claim they are actively participating in hate or shortsightedness, but as a straightforward declaration that if you believe this doesn't deeply affect someone you know and care about, you're wrong--there is someone in your life who probably needs your compassion.

The night of the policy change leak as well as the following day with the official announcement, Suicide Hotlines, at least in north Utah, call volume spiked, particularly among teens, so drastically it was a major news story in Salt Lake City, you can read about it here.

A 12-year old boy excited for his ordination set for November 8th (this previous Sunday) was denied the opportunity--though he lives with his LDS biological father and step-mother, because his biological mother is LGBT and cohabiting with a woman, he is ineligible until he is 18-years old. Full story here.

From the hashtag #SuffertheChildren, a collection of anonymous stories by a woman seeking to provide an outlet of compassion and validation for anyone hurting by the change last Thursday is this small piece:

My bishop contacted me to say that if [my moms] wanted to visit me and their grandchildren, they have to stay in separate bedrooms or I will face mandatory discipline.

Jennifer B. wrote the following post:

Because of the policy change in the LDS Church, I have heard of 4 actual suicides, 7 failed attempted suicides; hundreds of resignations; and now a new custody battle to wrest custody from a homosexual parent who had, prior to this, enjoyed amicable co-parenting with their divorced heterosexual spouse.
The kindest thing I can say is ‪#‎unintendedconsequences‬ definitely ‪#‎heartache‬perhaps even ‪#‎casualtiesofwar‬

 These are just a handful of what has circulated my news feeds in the past week--there is the unfortunate but not unexpected heartbreak in the suicide hotline spiking, there is the frustration for those it affects unfairly in the kids that were excitedly planning for the next milestone in their LDS progress, and then there is worst-case-scenario that some would call "overzealous bishops" at best or "the beginnings of an extermination" at worst. Then, last, we have the the summation of the hurt and the heartbreak of the change--LGBT suicides, attempted suicides, mass LDS resignations, and a custody battle.

So, after laying out what we can really only call a perfect storm of discord, misery, and fear, how is it that I, Cody Adams, have found any sort of peace about the situation if I can look up at all of that mess--or worse, specifically go out and seek examples for this blog post, and still claim that I feel God is with us?

The shortest answer? I believe the policy change is from our Heavenly Father.

The slightly less short answer? I believe Elder Christofferson's interview answer that the new handbook policy is centered around protecting children.

The long answer? It's not to protect children from conflicts that might arise because of the church's expectations for a child and the parents having different expectations for the child.

Okay, here's my real answer:

Like many who were heartbroken by the policy change and were outraged by the headline last week, I had a lot of soul-searching to do. Once again, if you want more details about how that went down, check out last week's blog post about that. However, as I pondered about this situation, one thing that continually stuck out to me, is that no matter how frustrated with the entire situation I was, the biggest issue I had with it after I had prayed for understanding and to recognize the mortal from the divinely inspired in the policy change was that the children who did want to be baptized would have to disavow gay marriage and then be approved by the First Presidency to be baptized--my anger was more focused on the First Presidency approval than the actual denial of baptism until they were 18-years old. So I started there with my pondering and joined in the fasting that happened on Sunday in many, many groups for this specific subject--if this postponement of baptism until someone is 18-years old is truly from God, then why would God sanction that?

A lot of the arguments against the policy change, along with the popular hashtag, (and the title of my previous blog post), is centered around "suffer the children to come unto me and forbid them not, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." If I remember right, this is in Matthew, when the disciples wave off the people trying to bring their kids to Jesus and then the Savior tells of his disciples for trying to choose his physical well-being over an opportunity to bless a bunch of children. I thought about this for a while, especially as a lot of memes have circulated as criticism recently (I can't believe I can write that sentence now: memes as criticism) showing an image of the Savior surrounded by children with text superimposed suggesting Christ is telling the children he loves all of them unless they have gay parents. I also found it so strange to see so many voices that are traditionally anti-Mormon or even anti-religious as the voice of reason. For some of these places to be providing me confirmation bias and to be delivering me the scriptures as well as articles of faith almost gift wrapped in my frustrations against another anti-LGBT policy was something I found particularly intriguing.

As I thought about this stark contrast of what I would imagine the Savior doing with His church, I also thought about my own personal revelation when I had made the choice to "leave" the temporal church. While I have not resigned nor have any intention to, and I absolutely and forever will consider myself LDS and Mormon, I know in my heart that my time in the temporal church is over as I seek a man that I will marry and have a family with--at which point, I will apparently be immediately deemed as an apostate. As a part of my leaving, I believe that I, and others like me, have left the Garden but there has been a Savior prepared for us, too. 

These two drastically different concepts connected in my mind in a way they never had before like lightning.

This. This was the Lord's Plan all along. These families were absolutely precious in the Lord's sight--as much as any other family, whether it were made up of a mom and a dad, a single parent, or two moms, or any combination--it didn't matter--a family is a family to God. Families are forever, the eternal nature of the family, the family as a fundamental unit of society--its a key piece of LDS theology and what we understand about God's nature. Because of that, He had a much higher plan than anyone else was ready to believe.

In Elder Christofferson's interview, which we can probably all agree was rushed, unplanned, and probably not put together in a great way because the handbook was leaked, he says that the purpose behind delaying a child's LDS church development until they were 18-years old and then all the hoops they have to jump through after is to protect them in their development years from any conflict that might arise between church expectations and parents that may not be fans of the church. I think this is one of those times where Paul's description of prophecy and revelation is to "see through a glass, darkly." Perhaps, that's what was interpreted when it was inspired and it is what is disseminated officially. But I disagree.

The higher purpose of our Heavenly Father to delay our children from joining the church is to protect them from the church.

From the interview with Elder Christofferson, he specifies specifically that the church needed to make a show of unchanging, unwavering dedication to its view of gay marriage when it added a same-sex marital union to the list of reasons for apostasy--even though marriage equality has been around in other countries far longer than the recent Federal Supreme Court ruling. The church's stance on welcoming all into the fold has always been available for anyone except for LGBT members and maybe that's the Lord's intention--if His people are not ready for the greater light and knowledge to understand how His LGBT children fit into His Plan of Happiness, then He'll deprive them of those voices in His congregations until they're all missing--and then when the Bridegroom returns and asks for an accounting of all His children, then it will be answered on the heads of those who turned them away.

He doesn't forget us. I was reminded the other night that President Monson's entire ministry was centered around leaving the ninety-and-nine to go find the one who is missing. Another friend of mine brought that up the following night as she wept over this same situation, that she didn't know if she recognized her Savior in this church anymore for that exact reason--where was the search and emphasis on seeking the one? How could her professor at BYU try and rationalize how sometimes the church has to put the needs of the many over the needs of the few when the Savior's entire existence stood in opposition to that very concept?

We are not forgotten. The Savior has engraven us on the palms of His hands. Our families are precious in His sight, no matter what they're made of. Because of that, He will fight for us. Because of that, He has allowed for us the opportunity to exist outside the church He has raised up--knowing that our children, no matter what happens, no matter how they are treated, no matter how we are tarred and feathered by the faith that we urge them towards--the Savior will provide a way home and an opportunity. What that means or what that looks like--either on earth or in the eternities, I have no idea. But I do know that family is precious and that's the point of all of this.

Because, like my friend Deidrene said when I tried to explain how I felt about all this to her, God knows that sometimes, we need to protect our kids from a shitty community that can break their faith before they have a chance to really explore it and grow in it. 

We have to trust that God will make a way for us all to make it home. Even if the candle of our faith is barely bright enough to see the ground we're standing on, it is worth taking a step forward--even if we don't know if we're going in the right direction or not, God rewards us for the leap of faith and makes up for our inadequacy every time.