The Atonement: I Needed It to Survive but Learned I Can Choose It to Thrive

My Easter Morning Message: The Atonement - 

Surviving or Thriving is a Choice, Even with God

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One thing my beautiful mother did for me, as she watched me struggle with what was my then-unknown Bipolar Disorder, in high school she would wake up super early (super early! I had 6am seminary or 6am choir!) in order to write great, inspiring messages followed by love notes from her on my bathroom mirror. She would even occasionally leave a copy of a talk from an LDS General Authority with a foreword from her about how much she believed in me on the bathroom counter.

My mom was determined--during these times when being a mom must have been the hardest because she couldn't fix my problems for me like she probably desperately wished--to provide any possible motivation or inspiration she could. And if possible, she would even try to put the tools and words of the Prophets directly into my hands!

Back then, I brushed off this gesture and watched a little pile of talks I barely skimmed grew--as a teenager, I certainly didn't value what was in front of me back then, but more than that, I didn't understand how to access or use them either--until much, much later.

Fast-forward to now, where I find myself pressed against the bathroom mirror, writing those same spiritual quotes that my mom would write or searching for new ones to write up there--to motivate me, to inspire me, and to remind me to keep using those same kinds of tools my mom hoped teenaged-me would discover and use almost ten years ago.

 Look, Mom! Your efforts didn't go to waste afterall!

Because Jesus walked such a long, lonely path, utterly alone--we do not have to.
- Elder Holland

But even in doing so, reminding ourselves of the great principles, the inspiring quotes, motivating ourselves to move forward--it is still so easy to get caught in place--and even easier when we find ourselves in a constant battle with our trials or trial, singular.

Maybe one thing we find ourselves asking is "Heavenly Father, please help me get through this week," or "help me get through this day," or this shift at work, or we're struggling so much that we're only focused on getting through the next hour with God's help--and that's okay.

While facing constant battles, or the same battles over and over, feeling that uphill climb is going nowhere, one quote stands out to me:

"Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured."

President Gordon B. Hinckley

(Ensign, 1996)

I had heard this phrase a hundred thousand times, I had understood that the original context was that life was supposed to be happy and that we could be happy both through Forgiveness of Sins and by letting ourselves realize life is supposed to be happy and full of joy and laughter, not bogged down concerned over sin. It also makes sense within the scriptural context 2 Nephi,

"Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy."

2 Nephi 2:25

I had a question though -- Joy and laughter? Enjoying life? I love that concept but how many of us can actually feel that way? How often do we get to feel that way when we are enduring great and difficult trials outside of our control each and every day--when managing the constant pain in our bodies, or navigating the deepest depths of despair brought on by failures within your own brain, or the multitude of other miserable constant battles we battle within ourselves?

Not to mention all of the other physical, mental, and emotional inequalities that make day-to-day living a battle. When there are so many of us who go, "Heavenly Father, I don't want to live like this anymore," how can we really have joy, enjoy life, and do more than merely endure when life becomes consistently a wargame of managing symptoms?

This past week, one piece, of what is probably a huge puzzle, came to me and gave me some insight and actual help in how to find joy and enjoy life more.

We Choose to Thrive or Just Survive

I realized I spent a lot of time asking God to help to "just survive" or "just get through" the next... whatever--shift at work, day, week, it didn't matter. I would have loved to have thrived at any point, but I think when you're fighting those uphill battles day after day or frequent enough that you start asking God to just to get through the day. You only want to the bare minimum after a while because you're so exhausted--you stop praying for and working towards your full spiritual privilege as Elder Uchtdorf might say.

The following section is where I found the difference between asking to survive the day when I felt like I was dying, barely getting through, or actually stopping, getting mad, and telling God, "no! I want to have a good day! I want to be happy! I want to stop begging to survive, I want to thrive!"

Disclaimer: Thriving is not as easy as it seems.

Please consult your doctor before thriving to see if you're healthy enough to thrive instead of just surviving. 

Side-effects include feeling better about life no matter what your situation and possibly dry-mouth.

When:Monday Morning, Beginning of Easter Week, 10:00am

Where: My Apartment, My Bed,

Why: My Alarm Didn't Wake Me Up So My Boyfriend Had To,  Everything is Miserable

I woke up feeling like I had been hit like a truck. Every piece of my body hurt. My brain hurt. I wanted to cry. I stayed in bed as late as I could before my self-guilt for work felt as bad as my body felt. Taking my morning meds--which should speed up system and make everything better--I hoped it would get better. I got ready. Still nothing. I texted my boss and told her I would be late (and gave myself a decent buffer) but I was going to make it in. I let myself take my time drinking four-cups of coffee, hoping my prescriptions would kick in and make me able to function. Still nothing. Still hoping the coffee would at least give me some help or kickstart the medication. Nothing. I walked down my three flights of stairs and out to my car, started driving to work, and prayed.

"Heavenly Father, I am so depressed. I am so depressed I can barely function. I am so grateful that I have so many good support systems, I have a great boyfriend, I love my job, I am so grateful for my boss who is so fantastic, I'm so grateful for all of that.

But Heavenly Father, I don't know how I'm going to get through today. I wanted to call out today, I can barely do what I'm doing now I'm so low, I have no energy, I can't keep my eyes open, I want to cry for literally no reason. I can't function. I can't do this. I don't know what to do.

Heavenly Father, please help me survive today. I know its Easter Week. Help me survi---

Wait. No. Heavenly Father. I don't want to survive. I'm so tired of surviving. I always ask to survive. I barely get by all the time. Heavenly Father I want to thrive. I want to have a great day. I want to enjoy my day. I want to have a great day at work and be happy and enjoy what I do again! Heavenly Father please help me access the Atonement, I know its been awhile since I have really been super consistent with everything I need to but please help me put my pains and worries and illnesses on the Savior who has already experienced them for me and with me!"

I parked my car. Finished my prayer. Grabbed my bag and said, "Here goes!"

No sooner had I stood up, turned to close my car door, but I felt all my strength return to me like I had been ready to go all along, like nothing had been an issue in the first place--and it was a good day, I did thrive--not because there weren't any problems or that it was effortless, but because I had the strength given to me to thrive and face them as they came. 

Maybe it was all of the medication and coffee and whatever, but I choose to believe that the Atonement truly is a Balm in Gilead and a concept that goes to heal more than sin, that it made a huge difference for me that day, and that it allowed me the opportunity to thrive that day when otherwise I wouldn't have.

The doctrine of the Atonement is a doctrine of healing.  - Sheri Dew

Perhaps it is merely semantics. Maybe its God teaching me about the power of language and words and he wanted me to experience the power and difference between praying to survive a day and to thrive through a day--but if you haven't ever done it, I recommend it.

What I Learned

Life can still be triumphant, you can still be happy, and you can still say you agree that "life is to have joy" even when every day you're fighting what feels like a never ending uphill battle against a tireless opponent--whether you suffer from an emotional battle like depression or anxiety or if you have Bipolar Disorder like I do, or your demons are within your own body like Fibromyalgia, or something else entirely. Maybe even the (intentional or not) alienation caused by others because of your ethnicity, skin color, or sexuality--all of these persistent emotional, physical, mental, or all other inequalities can be constant, brutal battles. Perhaps they are constantly miserable or manageable sometimes and then become a losing battle without warning--and that's okay--because what the Atonement is, what it really is, at its heart, is a God condescending to the deepest levels and cores of our hearts.

The Atonement is how the Savior tells us "you're not alone." He has already experienced exactly what we're going through--and gives us hope because we know that He made it through triumphant-- and He is still right there with us experiencing it simultaneously with us. As Elder Holland said, "Jesus walked such a long, lonely path utterly alone, we do not have to do so."

Yes, the Atonement is to allow us to be forgiven of our sins and to save mankind from eternal death, but it also allows us to throw our cares, our worries, our anxieties, and our pains on it. Our heartbreak and sorrow, our anguish and despair, our physical pain we have been coping with no matter how long we have "toughed it out" or not, and our emotional struggles--regardless of what we think our capacities are.

The Atonement is a healing element--sin is what we speak of most because we have been taught that sin doesn't heal on its own, but we have many missed opportunities to access that most infinite, most important, most beautiful gift the Savior has given us if we are only asking to be forgiven of sins through the Atonement.

But I believe in a Savior, I believe in Jesus Christ. I believe that at the end of all the debates, of all the confusion, of all the false doctrines, mislead doctrines, and doctrine where the heart or logic was in an understandable or even good place but is still wrong--after all of this, after all the literal nightmares in LDS Church history, after all the strange and unclear and bizarre circumstances between subjects A - Z, I believe Jesus Christ to be the Son of God, sent here to make recompense for the sins of the world, to show us how to come back to the Presence of God, and to open the way for us to follow Him there too. I believe that love was and is His great motivator in all His actions. I believe in the reality of the Book of Mormon as a Holy Book of Scripture and that it was translated through various methods by the called Prophet Joseph Smith. And I believe the The Savior Jesus Christ will return again, as he did after his crucifixion, to appear in glory. And will look towards that day, hoping to be as prepared as I can be for that glorious day...

The Second Coming
by Harry Anderson

Last,

Happy Easter Morning! He is Risen!

I am grateful for the resurrection of my Savior and His Atoning Sacrifice and the miracle of the Resurrection--that great gift that no matter how badly anyone in the human family messes up, they will be resurrected with a perfect body. What a perfect and beautiful God. I am so grateful for the Savior's arrival to the Nephite's and their record of his time with them after the Savior was resurrected. I am so grateful for the Atonement, that eternal gift that touches and saves the whole human family from spiritual death as the Resurrection saves us from physical death as we use it and follow the Savior's example.

I love my Savior and say these things, hoping they will help or touch someone in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

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My Bipolar Manifesto - Owning Who I Am

We're 20-days into this year and its already been a really hard year. Last year ended on a pretty heavy-handed note and its certainly kept up the momentum--but the positives have always come hand in hand. However, I've decided that its time I define and tell a part of who I am and own it--a piece of my story that I have cradled like a wound, hoping I could heal it, hide it with enough therapy and medication, or maybe even laugh at and pretend wasn't a big deal. But it is a big deal--a big enough deal that I've made it a part of the title of this blog--I'm bipolar.

My mental illness is a topic that I've only occasionally dealt with, owned up to, or admitted to with others--and generally only in a method where I could keep anyone involved at arm's length or even laughing.

But that's not the truth--and that's not owning my story with my whole heart. That's not being authentic to who I am. That's not sharing my innards in a way that might help someone else struggling like me, wondering if they're alone--like the point of this blog is, like I'd hope the point of my life might be.

The truth is: bipolar disorder is a nightmare. It is miserable. Carrie Fisher, of Princess Leia fame said it best, I think, when she said, "At times, being bipolar can be an all-consuming challenge, requiring a lot of stamina and even more courage, so if you're living with this illness and functioning at all, its something to be proud of, not ashamed of." And that's what I'm trying to do. Because you know what? Maybe being bipolar doesn't define me--maybe it doesn't determine my destiny and make me entirely who I am--but it sure makes a massive impact in my life--and even more than that, it makes me pretty awesome.

Because of my bipolar disorder, I function different from other people--not wrong, not broken, but different. Sometimes it makes me very very very sad. And other times, it makes me very very very fast. And between those two modes, there are a thousand different versions in between. It can make getting out of bed a struggle, but it can make me the most effective, brilliant, smartest person you've spoken to all day. Because of my bipolar disorder, on a day to day basis, by the time most people have finished reading the question I've usually finished the test and am writing a letter to the teacher about it. But because of my bipolar disorder, doing the dishes might be the biggest task in the world and I feel like they're screaming at me from the sink and I have to avoid the kitchen at all costs and I'm going to cry if I have to walk by the sink one more time.

Because of my bipolar disorder, I don't understand why people don't process information as fast as I do or make decisions or finish tasks like I do--and I'm needier in relationships or completely bored in relationships for the same reason.

I go through four-major episodes a year, but I'm ultra-rapid cycling so there are a million tinier episodes weekly and daily within that--with an overarching mood shift throughout the quarter.

And sometimes, it gets so bad that I want to die. Sometimes I experience the episodes or the cycle so intensely that I would rather cease existing for another moment than continue going through the hell that is bipolar disorder.

But I'm amazing.

Everything I put my mind to I am capable of accomplishing--even if its not in the time table I want, because let's be real, my mental time table is about four-hundred-billion times faster than humanly possible for anything to be physically accomplished.

I am a handful. But I am worth it.

And sometimes I need to remind myself of that fact--because in reality, I'm here and owning my story and my reality. And bipolar disorder is a significant part of that story and reality--to deny that, to hide that, to pretend it isn't affecting my everyday life--that would only drive me crazier than I already am by default.

But its a daily battle that only adds to who I am.

It makes me crazy. It makes me eccentric. It makes me beautiful.

It makes me smart. It makes me ridiculously fast. It makes me hilarious.

It makes me sad. It makes me hurt. It makes me miserable.

It makes me suicidal. It makes me lonely. It makes me isolate myself.

But it makes me ... me.

And honestly, I don't think I'd want it any other way.

~

And if this is a reality that you can't handle--if bipolar disorder or mental illness or me owning my own crazy and deciding that I'm done trying to pretend that I'm perfectly healthy or that there isn't something wrong with me emotionally and mentally, if my decision to own up to my emotional and mental and legitimately physical health realities and the results of that--

Well, then I'll turn to another Brene Brown quote:

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2015: Achieving Definition Through Conflict and Gratitude

"A culture's teachings, and most importantly, the nature of its people, achieve definition in conflict. They find themselves… or find themselves lacking." 

- Kreia, Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic II 

Gratitude for the difficult things in our lives is the hardest thing to ever have--but its practicing that piece of that I think allows us to actually have an attitude that everything is as it should be, it allows us peace. So, like everyone and their dog and their goldfish, I've put together a little bit of a 2015 Year in Review, but only the Major Hit's and What They Mean when I try and take inventory of what last year actually means.

Because really, when I look at last year--it is really unfathomable to me to think about how much happened last year.

So, for the biggest hits on last year's timeline include:

• Moving in with and getting engaged to someone who turned out to be severely mentally unwell with a diagnosis that changed regularly, but was always on the extreme end,
• Making the decision to choose myself and my future over taking care of someone else for the rest of my life and ending the engagement,
• A severe nervous breakdown (unrelated to the end of the engagement), 
• Finding a medication cocktail that finally seems to be more successful than anything previously (discovered in relation to the breakdown), 
• The mentally unwell ex-fiance continuing to stalk me and attempt to cause issues even through today, 
• Three-promotions at the full-time job I started only a year ago with hopefully another on the horizon, 
• Massive personal emotional growth.

And that's really only some of what happened. But I don't regret an ounce of it. Because it all needed to happen. Because all of it resulted in the last bullet point.

It's been a rollercoaster of a year with huge ups and giant downs. But interestingly, my entire year was perfectly balanced. For every gigantic negative, there was an equally fantastic positive that would follow close-by. It was definitely a Hand of God/Pendulum Effect or something, because the entire year was like that--and I think God did it on purpose:

Nervous breakdown requiring nearly a week and a half of work off in misery? Have the most fantastic medication setup you've ever had in your life plus some side-effects that will more than make up for the work you missed because you're so focused and productive and on-top of things for the first month you're on it! Had a chance to go to Indianapolis and get paid overtime hours to give away $1000 in presents + a giant check for around $600 to 3-families for Christmas? We'll give you a breather, but then follow it up with twice the amount of misery when you have relationship issues and have your ex-fiance cause trouble, but then bring everything back into perspective and remind you how you have some of the greatest friends in the world when Mika, Raul, and Jared come and pick you up when you're down at the drop of a hat.

It was like my life was one of those science-y things with all the chrome hanging clacking balls that show motion/momentum traveling. Just one end to the other, non-stop.

The quote at the top of this post is from one of my favorite video games of all time from a character who actually defined a lot of my worldview from an early age. Kreia, the gray Jedi who ultimately turns out to be using you to seek revenge on those who betrayed her, is your mentor in the game and attempts to teach you to see the world in shades of gray--that all battles define us and a lack of conflict would even cause us to stagnate and weaken.

This concept of conflicts and trials always being times where we will either succeed and grow drastically from it or die trying (much like a videogame) has stuck with me through the years and has pulled me through some of the darkest of times. While some conflicts we find ourselves in because of our own stupidity and choices, I really look back on this past year and see the major things that have happened without any regret.

Had I not gone through anything that I had gone through in my life, I know I wouldn't be who I am today--those miserable, dark, horrible times, those are the things that define me.

When I pray, I know I forget to thank Him for the miserable times--and I think that's my New Year's Resolution. Or at least, that's what I'm adding as my 17th.

Because the bad things in my life don't really take away from the good things and the good things don't take away from the good things. But the bad things certainly make me a stronger, better, more complete defined person--so I hope to be more grateful for the bad, the hard, the difficult things this year.

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Perhaps Such Things Have to Happen

Or, My Search for Amulek

I personally have spent a lot of years living by a motto that has served me particularly well, "fake it until you make it." It has not only brought me through trials, but seen me promote professionally, overcome crises of faith, and make big, gigantic decisions that would have otherwise paralyzed me with fear. And, really, if I could sum faith up into an action--that would be it: faking it until you make it. 

I can consistently study scripture to get an idea of how God functions and speaks, I can try and apply those principles, I can follow the patterns set up by what I've taught to be inspired men and women, I can do all of these things to be as close to God as possible, but no matter how close to God or how much studying I've done--He's going to expect me to make my own decisions at some point. And I have to make the jump, I have to move forward and say, "I have no idea what I'm doing, God, I have no idea if you're there, if you're listening, if you're going to catch me, or how much this is going to hurt but.... HERE GOES!!!" and then jump. And that's faith to me. 

That kind of Fake-It-Til-You-Make-It Faith is how I (try) to live my life at home, at work, wherever--and I think that's what faith really comes down to. Of course, be wise, try and learn as you go along, use your resources, and figure out what you can do in the meantime (that's the "until you make it" part). But I feel like that is also the point of our existence: to see what we will choose to take a leap of faith on regardless of results, not to see how much of the theory we can commit to memory and teach others. (I'm really hoping the Judgment Bar isn't a multiple choice scantron.)

We know God has all the answers, He knows the results of any action or direction we may go--but we're going to be left on our own to choose sometimes--and one of those times when we are left alone to completely choose on our own will be a moment when we are faced a second-time, all alone, without a great spiritual witness to confirm or deny, to decide if what you believe in is real or not.

If you haven't experienced this yet, you will. How can you know? Because no man or woman can be saved in ignorance (D&C 131:6). One day, you're going to have to make the choice without God standing by your side. The same way that the Savior had to go through His last moments suffering in agony in crucifixion, crying out, "My, God, My, God, why hast thou forsaken me?" (Matt. 27:46) After seeing all of time and space with the Lord, Moses denied Satan and was left alone to watch him "rant and rave upon the earth" and he feared and saw the very depths of Hell. Even the Prophet Joseph Smith cried out, asking, "where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding face?" Three leaders of their dispensations who had to persevere without God at their side--one of them, even having been with God moments before, shows us that such a thing should be expected. 

Perhaps we will not be left alone to face the Adversary rant and rave upon the earth in all his terrifying power, but we will be left to face him equipped with nothing more than our greatest asset--the asset that sets us apart from all of creation: our ability to act, instead of to be acted upon.

Maybe you'll have multiple trials of faith like this--trials where you cry out to God and weep, "Are you even listening to me? Is anyone even there? How can there be a God there if you allow this to happen?" Or maybe you'll only have one--but I guarantee you'll have at least one. Maybe it will be a trial of faith that will last your entire life, a trial where you say, "everyone else seems to have this deep testimony of the gospel, of Christ, of the Church, of Joseph Smith, of the Book of Mormon, but I don't. I never receive that no matter how hard I try. Is there something wrong with me? Is this actually a collective hysteria or cult? Am I the only sane one here? Or am I sticking around for the wrong reasons?"

To all of those possible questions you might be asking God, of course I can't tell you what the answer is, but I do know that He hears and loves you. Whatever is going on in your life, whatever trial you're facing, your Redeemer lives and knows you intimately. And you may have deep, heartfelt, burning questions that hurt, but He knows what they are.

Keep asking. Keep searching. Keep praying. Keep trying.

There is help and happiness ahead.

One of my favorite quotes from Elder Holland, that I've quoted in the past and probably will do so again, is this:

“If for a while the harder you try, the harder it gets, take heart. So it has been with the best people who ever lived." - Elder Holland, BYU Address, 1984

I also want to tell anyone suffering, hurting, or lost in their trials of faith the story of the Zoramites, or as interpreted the way I most recently read it.

Back in Alma 32 - 35, we usually hear all about the Zoramites about how wicked and evil they are because of their Rameumptom and priestcraft, recently, with the LDS Policy Handbook Change, others have written, spoken about, and blogged about the poor in this section who are cast out of their synagogues and aren't allowed to worship--and then Alma sweeps in and teaches these humbled Zoramites that they truly can worship anywhere. Alma teaches the basics of faith, that they should be truly worshipping and praying to the Lord in all times and places, and explains the Atonement.

What's truly fascinating to me about this section is that these poverty-stricken Zoramites, people many of which Alma remarks were not compelled to be compelled to be humble, who were now converts followed Alma over to the neighbor-city Jershon, leaving the remaining rich and prideful Zoramites alone to do whatever they want. But, because of the success of Alma and Amulek's teachings with the poor, the rulers of the rich and prideful Zoramites find out that the remaining rich and prideful Zoramites were actually in favor of Alma's words to, so they tried to petition the neighbor city to cast out their new inhabits as well--and failed! This lead to Alma's converts heading over to joining the Ammonites in another land to live peacefully but even there they were in danger.

What this shows us is that when you are truly someone of worth, when you are humble, when you kind, when you are a light unto the world, when you are everything the world is trying to crush--it will try to crush you. And when you try and do good, do not be surprised when it tries to crush you again and again when you are found doing more and more good. But as you follow the story of these converts that followed Alma, remember that they are taken in and given aid by not only the people of Jershon and the Ammonites, but ultimately had the entirety of the Nephites on their side as well.

It is worth it. Persevere. Our When we fight through to what we have decided is right, now what you're told is right, but what you've decided is right.

One of the comments made when scholars, church historians, and church leaders returned to the site of the ironically named Liberty Jail was by a descendant of the Prophet Joseph, "Perhaps such things have to happen..." the trials, the hurts, the unjust persecution, the non-sensical pains and griefs that don't seem to have any such reason, the situations where the only possible explanation is "stuff happens," all of those truly are for our benefit and learning--"it made schoolteachers of them," Joseph F Smith said.

When the Savior cried out, "why hast thou forsaken me?" after having spent probably his entire life with the companionship of the Spirit, He probably learned in the flesh a great deal about our mortal experience--and I doubt that in that moment the Lord had truly ever been closer to His Son than when the Spirit had to leave His body at that time. I believe the same to be true of us. When we're in pain, when we hurt, the Lord is waiting on us in that moment with His hand outstretched--perhaps He will not provide the kind of answer or comfort we wish, but He aches to give us aide as we ache for comfort. And, sometimes, those times of inexplicable, incomparable agony we go through are our personal temples of learning--places and times where we learn greater capacities for patience, love, or other divine attributes, or perhaps the Lord is waiting for us to ask Him guidance or the right question for Him to provide the kind of revelation that becomes canonized in our own personal scripture, much like the answers to Joseph's suffering in Liberty Jail did as D&C 121.

Remember! Don't give up! You can get through this! Do not to give up! You may feel forsaken by everyone and everything at some point--but if you believe God has made you a promise, don't look back on what you're giving up to get there! It's worth it!

I subtitled this piece, "Or, Finding My Amulek" and it ties into this the rest of this for a specific reason. I started this blog with a purpose--and that purpose was not to join in and give my two-bits on the latest LDS/LGBT battle royale that happened in the beginning of November (trust me, it would have happened whether I was planning on writing a new blog piece or not), the topic on that day was only the last bit of motivation I needed to start on what was something I had prompted and impressed upon to do for a long time: share what I knew, share what I believed, share my story, and let the Lord use my testimony to build others as He may.

When I say, "Finding My Amulek," I mean that quite literally. The Lord has used Alma and Amulek's mission to give me the courage I needed to get out of the engagement with my ex-fiance, who was more or less an evangelical atheist and definitely not going to be my Amulek, to encourage me to seek out friends who needed spiritual building up, to create this blog to share what I know and believe, and to remind me that He has a male eternal companion in store for me who has a testimony and mission equal to mine.

Putting such a huge, vulnerable statement on the internet is daunting and scary--but I do it intentionally, hoping it encourages other LGBTQ+ individuals of faith to seek out their eternal companion of faith, to seek them out prayerfully, and not to settle for less than what the Lord promises them--because it will be worth the heartache, the patience it will require, the search, the effort, the pain of witnessing the downright Zoramite-like tactics of the Lord's church sometimes instead of choosing someone who isn't a part of things and trying to forget.

Remember Lot's Wife--once the Lord has promised you something, once He has sent you in a direction--don't turn back on what you want because you're scared. Don't glance back because you're afraid of what it might cost, that it might not happen, or that what God is asking you to sacrifice now won't be worth what he's promised in return later. If God has promised you an eternal companion of the same-gender--don't turn your back on it in fear of your family's reprisal. If God has promised you a place of glory in your kingdom and confirmed the validity and righteousness of your decision and need for gender transition surgery--don't turn back because of what it may cost you, the Lord said He will take you there, so let Him take you.

What all of these different stories I have included have in common is this:

Don't turn back in so great a cause, it's worth it. Keep trying.

• If you don't know if it's the right choice but you've tried your best to figure out what to do, pray that the Lord will catch you, jump, and don't look back.
• You have to be ready to choose what you believe today--don't turn back, keep trying, it's worth it.
• The world wants nothing more than to crush what is good. When the good start doing things that are better, it wants to crush you more--but there is help and happiness ahead--keep moving forward, keep trying, don't turn back, you're further than you were before, it's worth it.
• Every trial and pain teaches us something--keep going, don't turn back, it's worth it, you're further than before.
• If God has made you a promise, whatever it is you have to sacrifice to receive that promise will be worth it--remember Lot's wife, don't turn back, keep trying, it will always be worth it, let Him take you where He promised.

Every small step you take in the face of massive adversity is still another step further than you were before. The Lord knows you. He notices you. Trusting in Him and His promises will result in everything working out for your good.

Fritz von Uhde, Suffer the Little Children (1884)

In Fritz von Uhde's painting of the Savior surrounded by assumingly German children in 1884, He paints the Savior in such a way that shows how he's supposed to be there, he's part of the picture, he's a participant, he's not an outside force or super emphasized like many more modern picture's of Christ.

This says something a little different from other paintings of the Savior, while others speak powerfully about the majesty of the Lord, His humility, omnipotence, or love, this one seems to speak one message so powerful: it was for you. I came here for you, so that I could know you intimately and I still do.

And I believe He still does. He knows our situations, our struggles, our needs, and the solutions to our problems. Are we reaching out to Him for the answers we truly need, prepared to believe those answers, and willing to act on them--asking with "true intent" as Moroni put it? Or are we scared of the answers we might actually receive--even if they're the answers we actually want to receive?

I know the Lord is listening. Are we?

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The One and the Ninety and Nine

I don't know what to say or how to say it, but I feel a peace about current events and hope that what I have learned will help someone else who is struggling as they seek for understanding. I hope as I write, its purpose, to provide another perspective, will shine through; I do not seek to excuse or condemn, but I believe understanding can at least engender the beginnings of healing, forgiveness, and hopefully growth. Last, if you're still grieving and hurting, remember to let the hurt finish hurting, even if you find the "right answer" that explains everything away, that doesn't mean the hurt wasn't valid in the first place--it still needs time to heal, too.

For those unfamiliar with the topic of this post, the LDS Bishop's Handbook Policy Change on Nov. 5, 2015, regarding children of same-sex couples, you can refer to my emotional post from last week and Click Here.

The past week since the church handbook leak and official announcement that followed has been so difficult for me personally to overcome and fight my way through just my own emotions, but then to see the chaotic mess all over social media--between my overly empathetic nature when so many shared their heartbreak over my regular facebook as well as one of my favorite groups, Mormons Building Bridges, a group that is generally filled with uplifting posts and comments, or hearing how, for many people, this was the last blow their faith could take because they could no longer recognize their Savior in the church they grew up in any longer, or worse, watching straight individuals who are less impacted by the change proclaim that those who are upset enough to leave the church are in some way invalid in their response, or that the hurt individuals were feeling could be overcome as a matter of "having more faith" or "praying for understanding," it was a challenging way to end the week and I may have spoiled myself by spending way more money than I needed to as a response.

For anyone who is reading this and doesn't know what kind of impact the church handbook policy change has had beyond the theoretical worries people brought when it was first brought up, I'm going to cite some anecdotal evidence that's been shared with me in only the past week--not to disparage the Brethren and claim they are actively participating in hate or shortsightedness, but as a straightforward declaration that if you believe this doesn't deeply affect someone you know and care about, you're wrong--there is someone in your life who probably needs your compassion.

The night of the policy change leak as well as the following day with the official announcement, Suicide Hotlines, at least in north Utah, call volume spiked, particularly among teens, so drastically it was a major news story in Salt Lake City, you can read about it here.

A 12-year old boy excited for his ordination set for November 8th (this previous Sunday) was denied the opportunity--though he lives with his LDS biological father and step-mother, because his biological mother is LGBT and cohabiting with a woman, he is ineligible until he is 18-years old. Full story here.

From the hashtag #SuffertheChildren, a collection of anonymous stories by a woman seeking to provide an outlet of compassion and validation for anyone hurting by the change last Thursday is this small piece:

My bishop contacted me to say that if [my moms] wanted to visit me and their grandchildren, they have to stay in separate bedrooms or I will face mandatory discipline.

Jennifer B. wrote the following post:

Because of the policy change in the LDS Church, I have heard of 4 actual suicides, 7 failed attempted suicides; hundreds of resignations; and now a new custody battle to wrest custody from a homosexual parent who had, prior to this, enjoyed amicable co-parenting with their divorced heterosexual spouse.
The kindest thing I can say is ‪#‎unintendedconsequences‬ definitely ‪#‎heartache‬perhaps even ‪#‎casualtiesofwar‬

 These are just a handful of what has circulated my news feeds in the past week--there is the unfortunate but not unexpected heartbreak in the suicide hotline spiking, there is the frustration for those it affects unfairly in the kids that were excitedly planning for the next milestone in their LDS progress, and then there is worst-case-scenario that some would call "overzealous bishops" at best or "the beginnings of an extermination" at worst. Then, last, we have the the summation of the hurt and the heartbreak of the change--LGBT suicides, attempted suicides, mass LDS resignations, and a custody battle.

So, after laying out what we can really only call a perfect storm of discord, misery, and fear, how is it that I, Cody Adams, have found any sort of peace about the situation if I can look up at all of that mess--or worse, specifically go out and seek examples for this blog post, and still claim that I feel God is with us?

The shortest answer? I believe the policy change is from our Heavenly Father.

The slightly less short answer? I believe Elder Christofferson's interview answer that the new handbook policy is centered around protecting children.

The long answer? It's not to protect children from conflicts that might arise because of the church's expectations for a child and the parents having different expectations for the child.

Okay, here's my real answer:

Like many who were heartbroken by the policy change and were outraged by the headline last week, I had a lot of soul-searching to do. Once again, if you want more details about how that went down, check out last week's blog post about that. However, as I pondered about this situation, one thing that continually stuck out to me, is that no matter how frustrated with the entire situation I was, the biggest issue I had with it after I had prayed for understanding and to recognize the mortal from the divinely inspired in the policy change was that the children who did want to be baptized would have to disavow gay marriage and then be approved by the First Presidency to be baptized--my anger was more focused on the First Presidency approval than the actual denial of baptism until they were 18-years old. So I started there with my pondering and joined in the fasting that happened on Sunday in many, many groups for this specific subject--if this postponement of baptism until someone is 18-years old is truly from God, then why would God sanction that?

A lot of the arguments against the policy change, along with the popular hashtag, (and the title of my previous blog post), is centered around "suffer the children to come unto me and forbid them not, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." If I remember right, this is in Matthew, when the disciples wave off the people trying to bring their kids to Jesus and then the Savior tells of his disciples for trying to choose his physical well-being over an opportunity to bless a bunch of children. I thought about this for a while, especially as a lot of memes have circulated as criticism recently (I can't believe I can write that sentence now: memes as criticism) showing an image of the Savior surrounded by children with text superimposed suggesting Christ is telling the children he loves all of them unless they have gay parents. I also found it so strange to see so many voices that are traditionally anti-Mormon or even anti-religious as the voice of reason. For some of these places to be providing me confirmation bias and to be delivering me the scriptures as well as articles of faith almost gift wrapped in my frustrations against another anti-LGBT policy was something I found particularly intriguing.

As I thought about this stark contrast of what I would imagine the Savior doing with His church, I also thought about my own personal revelation when I had made the choice to "leave" the temporal church. While I have not resigned nor have any intention to, and I absolutely and forever will consider myself LDS and Mormon, I know in my heart that my time in the temporal church is over as I seek a man that I will marry and have a family with--at which point, I will apparently be immediately deemed as an apostate. As a part of my leaving, I believe that I, and others like me, have left the Garden but there has been a Savior prepared for us, too. 

These two drastically different concepts connected in my mind in a way they never had before like lightning.

This. This was the Lord's Plan all along. These families were absolutely precious in the Lord's sight--as much as any other family, whether it were made up of a mom and a dad, a single parent, or two moms, or any combination--it didn't matter--a family is a family to God. Families are forever, the eternal nature of the family, the family as a fundamental unit of society--its a key piece of LDS theology and what we understand about God's nature. Because of that, He had a much higher plan than anyone else was ready to believe.

In Elder Christofferson's interview, which we can probably all agree was rushed, unplanned, and probably not put together in a great way because the handbook was leaked, he says that the purpose behind delaying a child's LDS church development until they were 18-years old and then all the hoops they have to jump through after is to protect them in their development years from any conflict that might arise between church expectations and parents that may not be fans of the church. I think this is one of those times where Paul's description of prophecy and revelation is to "see through a glass, darkly." Perhaps, that's what was interpreted when it was inspired and it is what is disseminated officially. But I disagree.

The higher purpose of our Heavenly Father to delay our children from joining the church is to protect them from the church.

From the interview with Elder Christofferson, he specifies specifically that the church needed to make a show of unchanging, unwavering dedication to its view of gay marriage when it added a same-sex marital union to the list of reasons for apostasy--even though marriage equality has been around in other countries far longer than the recent Federal Supreme Court ruling. The church's stance on welcoming all into the fold has always been available for anyone except for LGBT members and maybe that's the Lord's intention--if His people are not ready for the greater light and knowledge to understand how His LGBT children fit into His Plan of Happiness, then He'll deprive them of those voices in His congregations until they're all missing--and then when the Bridegroom returns and asks for an accounting of all His children, then it will be answered on the heads of those who turned them away.

He doesn't forget us. I was reminded the other night that President Monson's entire ministry was centered around leaving the ninety-and-nine to go find the one who is missing. Another friend of mine brought that up the following night as she wept over this same situation, that she didn't know if she recognized her Savior in this church anymore for that exact reason--where was the search and emphasis on seeking the one? How could her professor at BYU try and rationalize how sometimes the church has to put the needs of the many over the needs of the few when the Savior's entire existence stood in opposition to that very concept?

We are not forgotten. The Savior has engraven us on the palms of His hands. Our families are precious in His sight, no matter what they're made of. Because of that, He will fight for us. Because of that, He has allowed for us the opportunity to exist outside the church He has raised up--knowing that our children, no matter what happens, no matter how they are treated, no matter how we are tarred and feathered by the faith that we urge them towards--the Savior will provide a way home and an opportunity. What that means or what that looks like--either on earth or in the eternities, I have no idea. But I do know that family is precious and that's the point of all of this.

Because, like my friend Deidrene said when I tried to explain how I felt about all this to her, God knows that sometimes, we need to protect our kids from a shitty community that can break their faith before they have a chance to really explore it and grow in it. 

We have to trust that God will make a way for us all to make it home. Even if the candle of our faith is barely bright enough to see the ground we're standing on, it is worth taking a step forward--even if we don't know if we're going in the right direction or not, God rewards us for the leap of faith and makes up for our inadequacy every time.

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Suffer the Children

This is a long post, but if you suffer through it, I hope you garner a couple of gems about what Thursday, 11/6/15's announcement means to many people, but also what I was able to learn through my own experiences through the emotional evening.
   I read the headline "LDS Church to exclude children of same-sex couples from membership" on my walk to my car tonight on the way out from work. My instinct, gut-reaction was tensed up, ready-to-explode fury. My usual thought process runs at steady 120-mph, but this kicked it into overdrive. I was flying through all the reasons why this was a terrible decision logistically, the ethical issues it brought up, the first seven to fourteen basic tenets of LDS theology it contradicted, and more, but I was making a turn out of the parking lot, so it distracted me enough that I could make myself take a breath. Then, more importantly, I was able pray.
   I prayed for the ability to parse out my emotions and deal with whatever I needed to deal with, but that whatever was actually in the article when I read the details, I'd have peace through the storm. I asked for the wisdom to figure out what was mortal and and what was divinely appointed. I prayed that if the impressions I had received repeatedly for so long to reach out to those who may feel as I did, or might benefit from knowing my experience, my faith, and my testimony, if those things were so important than this was as opportune a time as any and to give me the understanding, light, and knowledge I needed to help someone else--if only through mediums like blogger and being more vocal on facebook.
   When I made it home, I took my time and deliberately delayed reading the article, trying to rationalize possible answers in advance. The most difficult part of it for me to deal with when I read the entire article was that someone who had been adopted, something they absolutely had no choice in--and was likely a great thing for them as far as temporal circumstances are concerned--if they did want to join the LDS Church when they were 18, they would not only have to "disavow" same-sex marriage/cohabitation, but they would have to get permission from the First Presidency of the Church to get baptized. To my knowledge, the only other people required to seek the First Presidency's permission are individuals with huge transgressions such as murder, participating in an abortion, undergoing transgender-reassignment surgery, or other big church "transgressions". But, with this policy, if you're put up for adoption and a gay couple happens to adopt you, the choices of two strangers living in what is considered "apostasy" disqualifies you for the most basic and important of saving ordinances unless the current Prophet of God himself gives you permission to get baptized.
   This infuriated me. There is no way this right. You can't justify demanding that someone who hasn't done anything wrong except grow up in the wrong household not only wait until they're 18-years old, living outside of that household (a specific condition that they can't be living with their parents any longer), disavowing that household they grew up in, but then as they meet with the missionaries and take the lessons, after all that time if they finally make it that far--if the ground where a seed of faith may have had an opportunity to grow hasn't already been scorched dry by the ridiculous conditions they've had to meet, they're told that because of how they grew up they will need to wait a little while longer because the Prophet needs to pray about whether or not they should be allowed to be baptized or not.
   Not only are the conditions and requirements setting up what is actually a really big number of children of LDS same-sex couples for failure or to give up on the church entirely, it doesn't sit well with me as something the Savior would ever do.
   To follow through with what I had prayed about earlier on my drive home, to share my experiences to maybe help someone else, I shared the article and wrote that I felt the requirement to be 18-years old was understandable to a degree, but the rest of it was bullshit. I got a couple of "likes," as well as comment from a family member suggesting that the church isn't one big autonomous organization, but a tool of the Lord's, so if I felt frustrated, I should pray about it. First, I will say that I recognize all of that as legitimate advice, but I was definitely frazzled by this because I definitely take any suggestion that I haven't done my due diligence on anything faith-related overly personally. But, I took a breath. I had prayed. I knew how I felt about it and the results of my prayer. So I let my fingers do the talking--
" I don't believe that God preordains every administrative action/choice--otherwise He's taken away the the opportunities to learn and grow from modern day prophets.

He certainly allowed Joseph Smith to fail and make poor administrative choices that caused the church as an organization to face difficult results (i.e. money investments, lost 116-pages, etc.) and Joseph was absolutely doing his best and trying to do what he felt was going to be the best for the church and its growth, but the Lord still allowed Joseph to fail and the church and its members to suffer in some difficult ways as a result of his choices---choices I'm sure he prayed about. And, of course, God followed any and all of those trials with a way prepared to succeed in the future and any and all trials are opportunities for growth so in the end, they were investments of other types, but that didn't make them "positive investments" on Joseph's end. He still made poor choices as a man so he could learn as a man--because no matter the calling, God doesn't give us the answers easier or save the day before we make a mistake because we're wearing a certain mantle.

I can rationalize the first half of the announcement to prohibit membership until someone is 18-years old--it makes sense to a degree. But to require someone to seek the permission of the prophet's themselves to join the church for things outside of your control? That seems like an administrative choice to me, and doesn't give me peace. It doesn't feel like something I could see the Savior saying or doing."
1. As I wrote, I felt peace about what I had said. Just as Elder Uchtdorf had said in General Conference, mortal men make mistakes. Additionally, this policy change was an addition to the bishop's handbook--if it was so pertinent to hold back children of same-sex couples from church membership as to add these additional hoops, where was this addendum when marriage equality and adoptions began happening years ago in Canada and other countries? This is absolutely an administrative choice. Does a change like this have to be approved by the First Presidency? Absolutely. Do I believe that it was prayerfully re-evaluated for the 2015/2016 edition of the bishop's handbook? Yes. But, like I said in my response on Facebook, I also believe Joseph Smith prayed diligently over many of his administrative duties for the church, too, including the infamous lost 116-pages of the Book of Mormon--the story, of which, God specifically gives Joseph permission to lend them to Martin Harris after praying about whether or not he could, repeatedly. The result was the loss of those pages of the Book of Mormon forever, rather than re-translating them. The drastic policy change which has already hurt so many in such a short amount of time is another one of those errors where God has to let us make our own choices to learn and grow, regardless of the consequences. Unfortunately, for Prophets, Seers, and Revelators, their mistakes have much greater impacts.

However, to be able to rationalize and parse out the mortal from the divine in changes in the bishop's handbook isn't enough to be able to say, "I'm okay with this. It's going to be okay now." At least, not for me. I knew I wasn't really dealing with the situation emotionally yet because I was still processing information, but a friend of mine with a talent for saying the right thing in the exact right way, even if she doesn't know she does it, shared the article, and had this to say:

"I want to make it clear that this is not a policy that I support. I don't feel that it's faith affirming or family affirming and I think the hurt that this has caused today, and will inevitably be caused in the future, needs to be acknowledged. I'm still trying to be an active member of my church. I'm trying so hard. I don't have any answers for you right now. This post isn't about me, it's about the people in my religious community that need love and support at a time that must be daunting and overwhelming.

The Mormon church, its community, and the Gospel of Jesus Christ mean a great deal to me. I can't deny the poignant truths I have learned in this community, and the remarkable things I've felt and witnessed. I believe in a loving God, I believe in a merciful Savior. But I understand that people, individually and collectively, are imperfect. I have felt great love and support from people in the LDS church, but there are times where I've felt isolated and alienated and I know that there are other people who may not feel that love and support often, or perhaps, ever.

I don't have any answers- especially as a heterosexual person who benefits from the privileges of a heteronormative culture- but I know that now is a time to ask better questions, such as: In what ways can I truly show my love, support, and affirmation for the LGBTQ individuals and families in my community? In what ways, can I really show my support for individuals and families who are trying to do their best? What can I do to welcome those who want to be a part of the Mormon community? What can I do to see God in those around me? In what ways can I be more understanding of people with different lived experiences than me? What would Christ do? What would He have me do?"

I read Deidrene's post and I cried. One person's understanding, empathy, and support, and I started to process the reality and difficulty of this situation. She expressed so much of how I felt, I love the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I really well and truly love it. The Gospel of Jesus Christ means everything to me. I believe in a loving God and a deeply personal Savior and the infinite power of His Atonement. And I know that because of the that Church that I grew up in, it allowed me to develop that love, that understanding, and that faith that means so much to me. But I also had felt so alienated and hurt as well. And this was one of those times. 

Today's policy change was a display of outright refusal to accept me and complete and utter alienation by the church. There was no rationalization, no way to justify it, no "greater purpose." This was cruel. I had never really felt hated by the Church as an organization so blatantly. But now, I have to recognize it in its entirety. As much as I may love the organization of the Church, it can be an abusive relationship.

Because I have indeed experienced hate from the Church before. I suffered the aggression of the Church when I discovered that another part of the bishop's handbook was to include a member's homosexuality on their church record if disclosed--like I was a criminal for sharing a part of my identity when I was a teenager. I felt hated by the church when I was threatened by my bishop when my roommate had been turned in for Honor Code issues and because I was open and out about my sexuality, I was lumped in and interrogated when I had done nothing wrong. And I absolutely feel hated now.

For me, as a 22-year old gay man who hopes to get married and have a family at some point, I've included included raising my kids in the church as a part of my lifelong plan. While I hadn't planned to be able to give a baby blessing or baptize any kids my husband and I adopt or whatever, I know that my dad and other awesome priesthood-holding men would be there to do it for me. 

With this policy change, not even that is a possibility even more. Raising a family in the church will be an even more difficult task than before. Especially when one of the requirements to join the church is to disavow those parents that raised you--how do you raise a family in the church and tell them they only have to jump through all those hoops and then interview with a Stake President, disavowing the parents that raised you to believe in the organization you're trying to join? How can I raise a family as I want to do so badly and make sure they have all the opportunities I want them to have if the Church is already cutting my legs off the knee, and then kicking me while I'm down? They may as well put up a giant sign in Temple Square that says, "We don't want you here and we don't want your children here, either!" I'd probably be able to see it from my back window if I squint.

How is this okay? How can this ever be okay? Especially knowing the Church's track record with "visibility" usually takes about 150+ years to roll out--or if its gay people, its a website with no visibility and no one will talk about it ever.

I'm beyond frustrated. But, I have been comforted by a couple of things that were brought to my mind or that I discovered as I have expressed my anger and hurt to my Heavenly Father tonight.

First, the lyrics of a primary song:

Heavenly Father, I remember now
Something that Jesus told disciples long ago:
"Suffer the children to come to me."
Father, in prayer I'm coming now to thee.

If I believe in a Savior who, even when mortal, said, "suffer little children to come unto me, and forbid them not; for theirs is the Kingdom of God." Then it is possible to believe that everything will turn out okay. That's the point of the Atonement. It is infinite for a reason. If, for no other reason, I'll be able to sleep tonight knowing that God won't take anyone's opportunities away because of someone else's actions.

Second, I kept remembering how many times in Doctrine and Covenants the Lord said He would try the faith of His people rather than fix a problem immediately, but then when I tried to search for it, I pulled up a similar passage from 3rd Nephi where the Lord forbade Mormon from writing more of what the Savior said to the Nephites--because he would try our faith with the lesser part of the Savior's words before giving us more. Isn't that what's happening now? We're in this great trial of faith where we don't understand why God would do this, or if it isn't God, we don't understand why he isn't fixing it--but He will try the faith of His people to see if they'll hold to what they know He has given them. I know I receive peace from the scriptures, from the Book of Mormon, I know the focus on the Savior and the Atonement are the fundamentals and the key to everything--if nothing else that is happening makes sense, I know those few things make sense.

Third, on the Mormons Building Bridges Facebook group, someone had posted in response to today's article that all she could think, even as she cried, was a primary song, too:

You don't have to push a handcart,

Or leave your fam'ly dear,

Or walk a thousand miles or more

To be a pioneer!

You do need to have great courage,

Faith to conquer fear,

And work with might for a cause that's right

To be a pioneer!

If you or your loved ones are deeply affected by changes like we discovered today, it is learning to push forward, to hold to our faith, to forgive, to smile through the tears, to figure out where we stand in this infinite universe when everything seems to stand in our way, to confuse us, to make things even more difficult than we could have previously imagined possible--that is what makes us pioneers, refines us in that refiner's fire, and qualifies us to stand shoulder to shoulder with ancient and modern prophets.

As Elder Holland said in a BYU Speech in 1984,

“If for a while the harder you try, the harder it gets, take heart. So it has been with the best people who ever lived."

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