My Bipolar Manifesto - Owning Who I Am

We're 20-days into this year and its already been a really hard year. Last year ended on a pretty heavy-handed note and its certainly kept up the momentum--but the positives have always come hand in hand. However, I've decided that its time I define and tell a part of who I am and own it--a piece of my story that I have cradled like a wound, hoping I could heal it, hide it with enough therapy and medication, or maybe even laugh at and pretend wasn't a big deal. But it is a big deal--a big enough deal that I've made it a part of the title of this blog--I'm bipolar.

My mental illness is a topic that I've only occasionally dealt with, owned up to, or admitted to with others--and generally only in a method where I could keep anyone involved at arm's length or even laughing.

But that's not the truth--and that's not owning my story with my whole heart. That's not being authentic to who I am. That's not sharing my innards in a way that might help someone else struggling like me, wondering if they're alone--like the point of this blog is, like I'd hope the point of my life might be.

The truth is: bipolar disorder is a nightmare. It is miserable. Carrie Fisher, of Princess Leia fame said it best, I think, when she said, "At times, being bipolar can be an all-consuming challenge, requiring a lot of stamina and even more courage, so if you're living with this illness and functioning at all, its something to be proud of, not ashamed of." And that's what I'm trying to do. Because you know what? Maybe being bipolar doesn't define me--maybe it doesn't determine my destiny and make me entirely who I am--but it sure makes a massive impact in my life--and even more than that, it makes me pretty awesome.

Because of my bipolar disorder, I function different from other people--not wrong, not broken, but different. Sometimes it makes me very very very sad. And other times, it makes me very very very fast. And between those two modes, there are a thousand different versions in between. It can make getting out of bed a struggle, but it can make me the most effective, brilliant, smartest person you've spoken to all day. Because of my bipolar disorder, on a day to day basis, by the time most people have finished reading the question I've usually finished the test and am writing a letter to the teacher about it. But because of my bipolar disorder, doing the dishes might be the biggest task in the world and I feel like they're screaming at me from the sink and I have to avoid the kitchen at all costs and I'm going to cry if I have to walk by the sink one more time.

Because of my bipolar disorder, I don't understand why people don't process information as fast as I do or make decisions or finish tasks like I do--and I'm needier in relationships or completely bored in relationships for the same reason.

I go through four-major episodes a year, but I'm ultra-rapid cycling so there are a million tinier episodes weekly and daily within that--with an overarching mood shift throughout the quarter.

And sometimes, it gets so bad that I want to die. Sometimes I experience the episodes or the cycle so intensely that I would rather cease existing for another moment than continue going through the hell that is bipolar disorder.

But I'm amazing.

Everything I put my mind to I am capable of accomplishing--even if its not in the time table I want, because let's be real, my mental time table is about four-hundred-billion times faster than humanly possible for anything to be physically accomplished.

I am a handful. But I am worth it.

And sometimes I need to remind myself of that fact--because in reality, I'm here and owning my story and my reality. And bipolar disorder is a significant part of that story and reality--to deny that, to hide that, to pretend it isn't affecting my everyday life--that would only drive me crazier than I already am by default.

But its a daily battle that only adds to who I am.

It makes me crazy. It makes me eccentric. It makes me beautiful.

It makes me smart. It makes me ridiculously fast. It makes me hilarious.

It makes me sad. It makes me hurt. It makes me miserable.

It makes me suicidal. It makes me lonely. It makes me isolate myself.

But it makes me ... me.

And honestly, I don't think I'd want it any other way.

~

And if this is a reality that you can't handle--if bipolar disorder or mental illness or me owning my own crazy and deciding that I'm done trying to pretend that I'm perfectly healthy or that there isn't something wrong with me emotionally and mentally, if my decision to own up to my emotional and mental and legitimately physical health realities and the results of that--

Well, then I'll turn to another Brene Brown quote:

Read More

2015: Achieving Definition Through Conflict and Gratitude

"A culture's teachings, and most importantly, the nature of its people, achieve definition in conflict. They find themselves… or find themselves lacking." 

- Kreia, Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic II 

Gratitude for the difficult things in our lives is the hardest thing to ever have--but its practicing that piece of that I think allows us to actually have an attitude that everything is as it should be, it allows us peace. So, like everyone and their dog and their goldfish, I've put together a little bit of a 2015 Year in Review, but only the Major Hit's and What They Mean when I try and take inventory of what last year actually means.

Because really, when I look at last year--it is really unfathomable to me to think about how much happened last year.

So, for the biggest hits on last year's timeline include:

• Moving in with and getting engaged to someone who turned out to be severely mentally unwell with a diagnosis that changed regularly, but was always on the extreme end,
• Making the decision to choose myself and my future over taking care of someone else for the rest of my life and ending the engagement,
• A severe nervous breakdown (unrelated to the end of the engagement), 
• Finding a medication cocktail that finally seems to be more successful than anything previously (discovered in relation to the breakdown), 
• The mentally unwell ex-fiance continuing to stalk me and attempt to cause issues even through today, 
• Three-promotions at the full-time job I started only a year ago with hopefully another on the horizon, 
• Massive personal emotional growth.

And that's really only some of what happened. But I don't regret an ounce of it. Because it all needed to happen. Because all of it resulted in the last bullet point.

It's been a rollercoaster of a year with huge ups and giant downs. But interestingly, my entire year was perfectly balanced. For every gigantic negative, there was an equally fantastic positive that would follow close-by. It was definitely a Hand of God/Pendulum Effect or something, because the entire year was like that--and I think God did it on purpose:

Nervous breakdown requiring nearly a week and a half of work off in misery? Have the most fantastic medication setup you've ever had in your life plus some side-effects that will more than make up for the work you missed because you're so focused and productive and on-top of things for the first month you're on it! Had a chance to go to Indianapolis and get paid overtime hours to give away $1000 in presents + a giant check for around $600 to 3-families for Christmas? We'll give you a breather, but then follow it up with twice the amount of misery when you have relationship issues and have your ex-fiance cause trouble, but then bring everything back into perspective and remind you how you have some of the greatest friends in the world when Mika, Raul, and Jared come and pick you up when you're down at the drop of a hat.

It was like my life was one of those science-y things with all the chrome hanging clacking balls that show motion/momentum traveling. Just one end to the other, non-stop.

The quote at the top of this post is from one of my favorite video games of all time from a character who actually defined a lot of my worldview from an early age. Kreia, the gray Jedi who ultimately turns out to be using you to seek revenge on those who betrayed her, is your mentor in the game and attempts to teach you to see the world in shades of gray--that all battles define us and a lack of conflict would even cause us to stagnate and weaken.

This concept of conflicts and trials always being times where we will either succeed and grow drastically from it or die trying (much like a videogame) has stuck with me through the years and has pulled me through some of the darkest of times. While some conflicts we find ourselves in because of our own stupidity and choices, I really look back on this past year and see the major things that have happened without any regret.

Had I not gone through anything that I had gone through in my life, I know I wouldn't be who I am today--those miserable, dark, horrible times, those are the things that define me.

When I pray, I know I forget to thank Him for the miserable times--and I think that's my New Year's Resolution. Or at least, that's what I'm adding as my 17th.

Because the bad things in my life don't really take away from the good things and the good things don't take away from the good things. But the bad things certainly make me a stronger, better, more complete defined person--so I hope to be more grateful for the bad, the hard, the difficult things this year.

Read More