The Atonement: I Needed It to Survive but Learned I Can Choose It to Thrive

My Easter Morning Message: The Atonement - 

Surviving or Thriving is a Choice, Even with God

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One thing my beautiful mother did for me, as she watched me struggle with what was my then-unknown Bipolar Disorder, in high school she would wake up super early (super early! I had 6am seminary or 6am choir!) in order to write great, inspiring messages followed by love notes from her on my bathroom mirror. She would even occasionally leave a copy of a talk from an LDS General Authority with a foreword from her about how much she believed in me on the bathroom counter.

My mom was determined--during these times when being a mom must have been the hardest because she couldn't fix my problems for me like she probably desperately wished--to provide any possible motivation or inspiration she could. And if possible, she would even try to put the tools and words of the Prophets directly into my hands!

Back then, I brushed off this gesture and watched a little pile of talks I barely skimmed grew--as a teenager, I certainly didn't value what was in front of me back then, but more than that, I didn't understand how to access or use them either--until much, much later.

Fast-forward to now, where I find myself pressed against the bathroom mirror, writing those same spiritual quotes that my mom would write or searching for new ones to write up there--to motivate me, to inspire me, and to remind me to keep using those same kinds of tools my mom hoped teenaged-me would discover and use almost ten years ago.

 Look, Mom! Your efforts didn't go to waste afterall!

Because Jesus walked such a long, lonely path, utterly alone--we do not have to.
- Elder Holland

But even in doing so, reminding ourselves of the great principles, the inspiring quotes, motivating ourselves to move forward--it is still so easy to get caught in place--and even easier when we find ourselves in a constant battle with our trials or trial, singular.

Maybe one thing we find ourselves asking is "Heavenly Father, please help me get through this week," or "help me get through this day," or this shift at work, or we're struggling so much that we're only focused on getting through the next hour with God's help--and that's okay.

While facing constant battles, or the same battles over and over, feeling that uphill climb is going nowhere, one quote stands out to me:

"Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured."

President Gordon B. Hinckley

(Ensign, 1996)

I had heard this phrase a hundred thousand times, I had understood that the original context was that life was supposed to be happy and that we could be happy both through Forgiveness of Sins and by letting ourselves realize life is supposed to be happy and full of joy and laughter, not bogged down concerned over sin. It also makes sense within the scriptural context 2 Nephi,

"Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy."

2 Nephi 2:25

I had a question though -- Joy and laughter? Enjoying life? I love that concept but how many of us can actually feel that way? How often do we get to feel that way when we are enduring great and difficult trials outside of our control each and every day--when managing the constant pain in our bodies, or navigating the deepest depths of despair brought on by failures within your own brain, or the multitude of other miserable constant battles we battle within ourselves?

Not to mention all of the other physical, mental, and emotional inequalities that make day-to-day living a battle. When there are so many of us who go, "Heavenly Father, I don't want to live like this anymore," how can we really have joy, enjoy life, and do more than merely endure when life becomes consistently a wargame of managing symptoms?

This past week, one piece, of what is probably a huge puzzle, came to me and gave me some insight and actual help in how to find joy and enjoy life more.

We Choose to Thrive or Just Survive

I realized I spent a lot of time asking God to help to "just survive" or "just get through" the next... whatever--shift at work, day, week, it didn't matter. I would have loved to have thrived at any point, but I think when you're fighting those uphill battles day after day or frequent enough that you start asking God to just to get through the day. You only want to the bare minimum after a while because you're so exhausted--you stop praying for and working towards your full spiritual privilege as Elder Uchtdorf might say.

The following section is where I found the difference between asking to survive the day when I felt like I was dying, barely getting through, or actually stopping, getting mad, and telling God, "no! I want to have a good day! I want to be happy! I want to stop begging to survive, I want to thrive!"

Disclaimer: Thriving is not as easy as it seems.

Please consult your doctor before thriving to see if you're healthy enough to thrive instead of just surviving. 

Side-effects include feeling better about life no matter what your situation and possibly dry-mouth.

When:Monday Morning, Beginning of Easter Week, 10:00am

Where: My Apartment, My Bed,

Why: My Alarm Didn't Wake Me Up So My Boyfriend Had To,  Everything is Miserable

I woke up feeling like I had been hit like a truck. Every piece of my body hurt. My brain hurt. I wanted to cry. I stayed in bed as late as I could before my self-guilt for work felt as bad as my body felt. Taking my morning meds--which should speed up system and make everything better--I hoped it would get better. I got ready. Still nothing. I texted my boss and told her I would be late (and gave myself a decent buffer) but I was going to make it in. I let myself take my time drinking four-cups of coffee, hoping my prescriptions would kick in and make me able to function. Still nothing. Still hoping the coffee would at least give me some help or kickstart the medication. Nothing. I walked down my three flights of stairs and out to my car, started driving to work, and prayed.

"Heavenly Father, I am so depressed. I am so depressed I can barely function. I am so grateful that I have so many good support systems, I have a great boyfriend, I love my job, I am so grateful for my boss who is so fantastic, I'm so grateful for all of that.

But Heavenly Father, I don't know how I'm going to get through today. I wanted to call out today, I can barely do what I'm doing now I'm so low, I have no energy, I can't keep my eyes open, I want to cry for literally no reason. I can't function. I can't do this. I don't know what to do.

Heavenly Father, please help me survive today. I know its Easter Week. Help me survi---

Wait. No. Heavenly Father. I don't want to survive. I'm so tired of surviving. I always ask to survive. I barely get by all the time. Heavenly Father I want to thrive. I want to have a great day. I want to enjoy my day. I want to have a great day at work and be happy and enjoy what I do again! Heavenly Father please help me access the Atonement, I know its been awhile since I have really been super consistent with everything I need to but please help me put my pains and worries and illnesses on the Savior who has already experienced them for me and with me!"

I parked my car. Finished my prayer. Grabbed my bag and said, "Here goes!"

No sooner had I stood up, turned to close my car door, but I felt all my strength return to me like I had been ready to go all along, like nothing had been an issue in the first place--and it was a good day, I did thrive--not because there weren't any problems or that it was effortless, but because I had the strength given to me to thrive and face them as they came. 

Maybe it was all of the medication and coffee and whatever, but I choose to believe that the Atonement truly is a Balm in Gilead and a concept that goes to heal more than sin, that it made a huge difference for me that day, and that it allowed me the opportunity to thrive that day when otherwise I wouldn't have.

The doctrine of the Atonement is a doctrine of healing.  - Sheri Dew

Perhaps it is merely semantics. Maybe its God teaching me about the power of language and words and he wanted me to experience the power and difference between praying to survive a day and to thrive through a day--but if you haven't ever done it, I recommend it.

What I Learned

Life can still be triumphant, you can still be happy, and you can still say you agree that "life is to have joy" even when every day you're fighting what feels like a never ending uphill battle against a tireless opponent--whether you suffer from an emotional battle like depression or anxiety or if you have Bipolar Disorder like I do, or your demons are within your own body like Fibromyalgia, or something else entirely. Maybe even the (intentional or not) alienation caused by others because of your ethnicity, skin color, or sexuality--all of these persistent emotional, physical, mental, or all other inequalities can be constant, brutal battles. Perhaps they are constantly miserable or manageable sometimes and then become a losing battle without warning--and that's okay--because what the Atonement is, what it really is, at its heart, is a God condescending to the deepest levels and cores of our hearts.

The Atonement is how the Savior tells us "you're not alone." He has already experienced exactly what we're going through--and gives us hope because we know that He made it through triumphant-- and He is still right there with us experiencing it simultaneously with us. As Elder Holland said, "Jesus walked such a long, lonely path utterly alone, we do not have to do so."

Yes, the Atonement is to allow us to be forgiven of our sins and to save mankind from eternal death, but it also allows us to throw our cares, our worries, our anxieties, and our pains on it. Our heartbreak and sorrow, our anguish and despair, our physical pain we have been coping with no matter how long we have "toughed it out" or not, and our emotional struggles--regardless of what we think our capacities are.

The Atonement is a healing element--sin is what we speak of most because we have been taught that sin doesn't heal on its own, but we have many missed opportunities to access that most infinite, most important, most beautiful gift the Savior has given us if we are only asking to be forgiven of sins through the Atonement.

But I believe in a Savior, I believe in Jesus Christ. I believe that at the end of all the debates, of all the confusion, of all the false doctrines, mislead doctrines, and doctrine where the heart or logic was in an understandable or even good place but is still wrong--after all of this, after all the literal nightmares in LDS Church history, after all the strange and unclear and bizarre circumstances between subjects A - Z, I believe Jesus Christ to be the Son of God, sent here to make recompense for the sins of the world, to show us how to come back to the Presence of God, and to open the way for us to follow Him there too. I believe that love was and is His great motivator in all His actions. I believe in the reality of the Book of Mormon as a Holy Book of Scripture and that it was translated through various methods by the called Prophet Joseph Smith. And I believe the The Savior Jesus Christ will return again, as he did after his crucifixion, to appear in glory. And will look towards that day, hoping to be as prepared as I can be for that glorious day...

The Second Coming
by Harry Anderson

Last,

Happy Easter Morning! He is Risen!

I am grateful for the resurrection of my Savior and His Atoning Sacrifice and the miracle of the Resurrection--that great gift that no matter how badly anyone in the human family messes up, they will be resurrected with a perfect body. What a perfect and beautiful God. I am so grateful for the Savior's arrival to the Nephite's and their record of his time with them after the Savior was resurrected. I am so grateful for the Atonement, that eternal gift that touches and saves the whole human family from spiritual death as the Resurrection saves us from physical death as we use it and follow the Savior's example.

I love my Savior and say these things, hoping they will help or touch someone in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

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My Bipolar Manifesto - Owning Who I Am

We're 20-days into this year and its already been a really hard year. Last year ended on a pretty heavy-handed note and its certainly kept up the momentum--but the positives have always come hand in hand. However, I've decided that its time I define and tell a part of who I am and own it--a piece of my story that I have cradled like a wound, hoping I could heal it, hide it with enough therapy and medication, or maybe even laugh at and pretend wasn't a big deal. But it is a big deal--a big enough deal that I've made it a part of the title of this blog--I'm bipolar.

My mental illness is a topic that I've only occasionally dealt with, owned up to, or admitted to with others--and generally only in a method where I could keep anyone involved at arm's length or even laughing.

But that's not the truth--and that's not owning my story with my whole heart. That's not being authentic to who I am. That's not sharing my innards in a way that might help someone else struggling like me, wondering if they're alone--like the point of this blog is, like I'd hope the point of my life might be.

The truth is: bipolar disorder is a nightmare. It is miserable. Carrie Fisher, of Princess Leia fame said it best, I think, when she said, "At times, being bipolar can be an all-consuming challenge, requiring a lot of stamina and even more courage, so if you're living with this illness and functioning at all, its something to be proud of, not ashamed of." And that's what I'm trying to do. Because you know what? Maybe being bipolar doesn't define me--maybe it doesn't determine my destiny and make me entirely who I am--but it sure makes a massive impact in my life--and even more than that, it makes me pretty awesome.

Because of my bipolar disorder, I function different from other people--not wrong, not broken, but different. Sometimes it makes me very very very sad. And other times, it makes me very very very fast. And between those two modes, there are a thousand different versions in between. It can make getting out of bed a struggle, but it can make me the most effective, brilliant, smartest person you've spoken to all day. Because of my bipolar disorder, on a day to day basis, by the time most people have finished reading the question I've usually finished the test and am writing a letter to the teacher about it. But because of my bipolar disorder, doing the dishes might be the biggest task in the world and I feel like they're screaming at me from the sink and I have to avoid the kitchen at all costs and I'm going to cry if I have to walk by the sink one more time.

Because of my bipolar disorder, I don't understand why people don't process information as fast as I do or make decisions or finish tasks like I do--and I'm needier in relationships or completely bored in relationships for the same reason.

I go through four-major episodes a year, but I'm ultra-rapid cycling so there are a million tinier episodes weekly and daily within that--with an overarching mood shift throughout the quarter.

And sometimes, it gets so bad that I want to die. Sometimes I experience the episodes or the cycle so intensely that I would rather cease existing for another moment than continue going through the hell that is bipolar disorder.

But I'm amazing.

Everything I put my mind to I am capable of accomplishing--even if its not in the time table I want, because let's be real, my mental time table is about four-hundred-billion times faster than humanly possible for anything to be physically accomplished.

I am a handful. But I am worth it.

And sometimes I need to remind myself of that fact--because in reality, I'm here and owning my story and my reality. And bipolar disorder is a significant part of that story and reality--to deny that, to hide that, to pretend it isn't affecting my everyday life--that would only drive me crazier than I already am by default.

But its a daily battle that only adds to who I am.

It makes me crazy. It makes me eccentric. It makes me beautiful.

It makes me smart. It makes me ridiculously fast. It makes me hilarious.

It makes me sad. It makes me hurt. It makes me miserable.

It makes me suicidal. It makes me lonely. It makes me isolate myself.

But it makes me ... me.

And honestly, I don't think I'd want it any other way.

~

And if this is a reality that you can't handle--if bipolar disorder or mental illness or me owning my own crazy and deciding that I'm done trying to pretend that I'm perfectly healthy or that there isn't something wrong with me emotionally and mentally, if my decision to own up to my emotional and mental and legitimately physical health realities and the results of that--

Well, then I'll turn to another Brene Brown quote:

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2015: Achieving Definition Through Conflict and Gratitude

"A culture's teachings, and most importantly, the nature of its people, achieve definition in conflict. They find themselves… or find themselves lacking." 

- Kreia, Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic II 

Gratitude for the difficult things in our lives is the hardest thing to ever have--but its practicing that piece of that I think allows us to actually have an attitude that everything is as it should be, it allows us peace. So, like everyone and their dog and their goldfish, I've put together a little bit of a 2015 Year in Review, but only the Major Hit's and What They Mean when I try and take inventory of what last year actually means.

Because really, when I look at last year--it is really unfathomable to me to think about how much happened last year.

So, for the biggest hits on last year's timeline include:

• Moving in with and getting engaged to someone who turned out to be severely mentally unwell with a diagnosis that changed regularly, but was always on the extreme end,
• Making the decision to choose myself and my future over taking care of someone else for the rest of my life and ending the engagement,
• A severe nervous breakdown (unrelated to the end of the engagement), 
• Finding a medication cocktail that finally seems to be more successful than anything previously (discovered in relation to the breakdown), 
• The mentally unwell ex-fiance continuing to stalk me and attempt to cause issues even through today, 
• Three-promotions at the full-time job I started only a year ago with hopefully another on the horizon, 
• Massive personal emotional growth.

And that's really only some of what happened. But I don't regret an ounce of it. Because it all needed to happen. Because all of it resulted in the last bullet point.

It's been a rollercoaster of a year with huge ups and giant downs. But interestingly, my entire year was perfectly balanced. For every gigantic negative, there was an equally fantastic positive that would follow close-by. It was definitely a Hand of God/Pendulum Effect or something, because the entire year was like that--and I think God did it on purpose:

Nervous breakdown requiring nearly a week and a half of work off in misery? Have the most fantastic medication setup you've ever had in your life plus some side-effects that will more than make up for the work you missed because you're so focused and productive and on-top of things for the first month you're on it! Had a chance to go to Indianapolis and get paid overtime hours to give away $1000 in presents + a giant check for around $600 to 3-families for Christmas? We'll give you a breather, but then follow it up with twice the amount of misery when you have relationship issues and have your ex-fiance cause trouble, but then bring everything back into perspective and remind you how you have some of the greatest friends in the world when Mika, Raul, and Jared come and pick you up when you're down at the drop of a hat.

It was like my life was one of those science-y things with all the chrome hanging clacking balls that show motion/momentum traveling. Just one end to the other, non-stop.

The quote at the top of this post is from one of my favorite video games of all time from a character who actually defined a lot of my worldview from an early age. Kreia, the gray Jedi who ultimately turns out to be using you to seek revenge on those who betrayed her, is your mentor in the game and attempts to teach you to see the world in shades of gray--that all battles define us and a lack of conflict would even cause us to stagnate and weaken.

This concept of conflicts and trials always being times where we will either succeed and grow drastically from it or die trying (much like a videogame) has stuck with me through the years and has pulled me through some of the darkest of times. While some conflicts we find ourselves in because of our own stupidity and choices, I really look back on this past year and see the major things that have happened without any regret.

Had I not gone through anything that I had gone through in my life, I know I wouldn't be who I am today--those miserable, dark, horrible times, those are the things that define me.

When I pray, I know I forget to thank Him for the miserable times--and I think that's my New Year's Resolution. Or at least, that's what I'm adding as my 17th.

Because the bad things in my life don't really take away from the good things and the good things don't take away from the good things. But the bad things certainly make me a stronger, better, more complete defined person--so I hope to be more grateful for the bad, the hard, the difficult things this year.

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