Suffer the Children

This is a long post, but if you suffer through it, I hope you garner a couple of gems about what Thursday, 11/6/15's announcement means to many people, but also what I was able to learn through my own experiences through the emotional evening.
   I read the headline "LDS Church to exclude children of same-sex couples from membership" on my walk to my car tonight on the way out from work. My instinct, gut-reaction was tensed up, ready-to-explode fury. My usual thought process runs at steady 120-mph, but this kicked it into overdrive. I was flying through all the reasons why this was a terrible decision logistically, the ethical issues it brought up, the first seven to fourteen basic tenets of LDS theology it contradicted, and more, but I was making a turn out of the parking lot, so it distracted me enough that I could make myself take a breath. Then, more importantly, I was able pray.
   I prayed for the ability to parse out my emotions and deal with whatever I needed to deal with, but that whatever was actually in the article when I read the details, I'd have peace through the storm. I asked for the wisdom to figure out what was mortal and and what was divinely appointed. I prayed that if the impressions I had received repeatedly for so long to reach out to those who may feel as I did, or might benefit from knowing my experience, my faith, and my testimony, if those things were so important than this was as opportune a time as any and to give me the understanding, light, and knowledge I needed to help someone else--if only through mediums like blogger and being more vocal on facebook.
   When I made it home, I took my time and deliberately delayed reading the article, trying to rationalize possible answers in advance. The most difficult part of it for me to deal with when I read the entire article was that someone who had been adopted, something they absolutely had no choice in--and was likely a great thing for them as far as temporal circumstances are concerned--if they did want to join the LDS Church when they were 18, they would not only have to "disavow" same-sex marriage/cohabitation, but they would have to get permission from the First Presidency of the Church to get baptized. To my knowledge, the only other people required to seek the First Presidency's permission are individuals with huge transgressions such as murder, participating in an abortion, undergoing transgender-reassignment surgery, or other big church "transgressions". But, with this policy, if you're put up for adoption and a gay couple happens to adopt you, the choices of two strangers living in what is considered "apostasy" disqualifies you for the most basic and important of saving ordinances unless the current Prophet of God himself gives you permission to get baptized.
   This infuriated me. There is no way this right. You can't justify demanding that someone who hasn't done anything wrong except grow up in the wrong household not only wait until they're 18-years old, living outside of that household (a specific condition that they can't be living with their parents any longer), disavowing that household they grew up in, but then as they meet with the missionaries and take the lessons, after all that time if they finally make it that far--if the ground where a seed of faith may have had an opportunity to grow hasn't already been scorched dry by the ridiculous conditions they've had to meet, they're told that because of how they grew up they will need to wait a little while longer because the Prophet needs to pray about whether or not they should be allowed to be baptized or not.
   Not only are the conditions and requirements setting up what is actually a really big number of children of LDS same-sex couples for failure or to give up on the church entirely, it doesn't sit well with me as something the Savior would ever do.
   To follow through with what I had prayed about earlier on my drive home, to share my experiences to maybe help someone else, I shared the article and wrote that I felt the requirement to be 18-years old was understandable to a degree, but the rest of it was bullshit. I got a couple of "likes," as well as comment from a family member suggesting that the church isn't one big autonomous organization, but a tool of the Lord's, so if I felt frustrated, I should pray about it. First, I will say that I recognize all of that as legitimate advice, but I was definitely frazzled by this because I definitely take any suggestion that I haven't done my due diligence on anything faith-related overly personally. But, I took a breath. I had prayed. I knew how I felt about it and the results of my prayer. So I let my fingers do the talking--
" I don't believe that God preordains every administrative action/choice--otherwise He's taken away the the opportunities to learn and grow from modern day prophets.

He certainly allowed Joseph Smith to fail and make poor administrative choices that caused the church as an organization to face difficult results (i.e. money investments, lost 116-pages, etc.) and Joseph was absolutely doing his best and trying to do what he felt was going to be the best for the church and its growth, but the Lord still allowed Joseph to fail and the church and its members to suffer in some difficult ways as a result of his choices---choices I'm sure he prayed about. And, of course, God followed any and all of those trials with a way prepared to succeed in the future and any and all trials are opportunities for growth so in the end, they were investments of other types, but that didn't make them "positive investments" on Joseph's end. He still made poor choices as a man so he could learn as a man--because no matter the calling, God doesn't give us the answers easier or save the day before we make a mistake because we're wearing a certain mantle.

I can rationalize the first half of the announcement to prohibit membership until someone is 18-years old--it makes sense to a degree. But to require someone to seek the permission of the prophet's themselves to join the church for things outside of your control? That seems like an administrative choice to me, and doesn't give me peace. It doesn't feel like something I could see the Savior saying or doing."
1. As I wrote, I felt peace about what I had said. Just as Elder Uchtdorf had said in General Conference, mortal men make mistakes. Additionally, this policy change was an addition to the bishop's handbook--if it was so pertinent to hold back children of same-sex couples from church membership as to add these additional hoops, where was this addendum when marriage equality and adoptions began happening years ago in Canada and other countries? This is absolutely an administrative choice. Does a change like this have to be approved by the First Presidency? Absolutely. Do I believe that it was prayerfully re-evaluated for the 2015/2016 edition of the bishop's handbook? Yes. But, like I said in my response on Facebook, I also believe Joseph Smith prayed diligently over many of his administrative duties for the church, too, including the infamous lost 116-pages of the Book of Mormon--the story, of which, God specifically gives Joseph permission to lend them to Martin Harris after praying about whether or not he could, repeatedly. The result was the loss of those pages of the Book of Mormon forever, rather than re-translating them. The drastic policy change which has already hurt so many in such a short amount of time is another one of those errors where God has to let us make our own choices to learn and grow, regardless of the consequences. Unfortunately, for Prophets, Seers, and Revelators, their mistakes have much greater impacts.

However, to be able to rationalize and parse out the mortal from the divine in changes in the bishop's handbook isn't enough to be able to say, "I'm okay with this. It's going to be okay now." At least, not for me. I knew I wasn't really dealing with the situation emotionally yet because I was still processing information, but a friend of mine with a talent for saying the right thing in the exact right way, even if she doesn't know she does it, shared the article, and had this to say:

"I want to make it clear that this is not a policy that I support. I don't feel that it's faith affirming or family affirming and I think the hurt that this has caused today, and will inevitably be caused in the future, needs to be acknowledged. I'm still trying to be an active member of my church. I'm trying so hard. I don't have any answers for you right now. This post isn't about me, it's about the people in my religious community that need love and support at a time that must be daunting and overwhelming.

The Mormon church, its community, and the Gospel of Jesus Christ mean a great deal to me. I can't deny the poignant truths I have learned in this community, and the remarkable things I've felt and witnessed. I believe in a loving God, I believe in a merciful Savior. But I understand that people, individually and collectively, are imperfect. I have felt great love and support from people in the LDS church, but there are times where I've felt isolated and alienated and I know that there are other people who may not feel that love and support often, or perhaps, ever.

I don't have any answers- especially as a heterosexual person who benefits from the privileges of a heteronormative culture- but I know that now is a time to ask better questions, such as: In what ways can I truly show my love, support, and affirmation for the LGBTQ individuals and families in my community? In what ways, can I really show my support for individuals and families who are trying to do their best? What can I do to welcome those who want to be a part of the Mormon community? What can I do to see God in those around me? In what ways can I be more understanding of people with different lived experiences than me? What would Christ do? What would He have me do?"

I read Deidrene's post and I cried. One person's understanding, empathy, and support, and I started to process the reality and difficulty of this situation. She expressed so much of how I felt, I love the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I really well and truly love it. The Gospel of Jesus Christ means everything to me. I believe in a loving God and a deeply personal Savior and the infinite power of His Atonement. And I know that because of the that Church that I grew up in, it allowed me to develop that love, that understanding, and that faith that means so much to me. But I also had felt so alienated and hurt as well. And this was one of those times. 

Today's policy change was a display of outright refusal to accept me and complete and utter alienation by the church. There was no rationalization, no way to justify it, no "greater purpose." This was cruel. I had never really felt hated by the Church as an organization so blatantly. But now, I have to recognize it in its entirety. As much as I may love the organization of the Church, it can be an abusive relationship.

Because I have indeed experienced hate from the Church before. I suffered the aggression of the Church when I discovered that another part of the bishop's handbook was to include a member's homosexuality on their church record if disclosed--like I was a criminal for sharing a part of my identity when I was a teenager. I felt hated by the church when I was threatened by my bishop when my roommate had been turned in for Honor Code issues and because I was open and out about my sexuality, I was lumped in and interrogated when I had done nothing wrong. And I absolutely feel hated now.

For me, as a 22-year old gay man who hopes to get married and have a family at some point, I've included included raising my kids in the church as a part of my lifelong plan. While I hadn't planned to be able to give a baby blessing or baptize any kids my husband and I adopt or whatever, I know that my dad and other awesome priesthood-holding men would be there to do it for me. 

With this policy change, not even that is a possibility even more. Raising a family in the church will be an even more difficult task than before. Especially when one of the requirements to join the church is to disavow those parents that raised you--how do you raise a family in the church and tell them they only have to jump through all those hoops and then interview with a Stake President, disavowing the parents that raised you to believe in the organization you're trying to join? How can I raise a family as I want to do so badly and make sure they have all the opportunities I want them to have if the Church is already cutting my legs off the knee, and then kicking me while I'm down? They may as well put up a giant sign in Temple Square that says, "We don't want you here and we don't want your children here, either!" I'd probably be able to see it from my back window if I squint.

How is this okay? How can this ever be okay? Especially knowing the Church's track record with "visibility" usually takes about 150+ years to roll out--or if its gay people, its a website with no visibility and no one will talk about it ever.

I'm beyond frustrated. But, I have been comforted by a couple of things that were brought to my mind or that I discovered as I have expressed my anger and hurt to my Heavenly Father tonight.

First, the lyrics of a primary song:

Heavenly Father, I remember now
Something that Jesus told disciples long ago:
"Suffer the children to come to me."
Father, in prayer I'm coming now to thee.

If I believe in a Savior who, even when mortal, said, "suffer little children to come unto me, and forbid them not; for theirs is the Kingdom of God." Then it is possible to believe that everything will turn out okay. That's the point of the Atonement. It is infinite for a reason. If, for no other reason, I'll be able to sleep tonight knowing that God won't take anyone's opportunities away because of someone else's actions.

Second, I kept remembering how many times in Doctrine and Covenants the Lord said He would try the faith of His people rather than fix a problem immediately, but then when I tried to search for it, I pulled up a similar passage from 3rd Nephi where the Lord forbade Mormon from writing more of what the Savior said to the Nephites--because he would try our faith with the lesser part of the Savior's words before giving us more. Isn't that what's happening now? We're in this great trial of faith where we don't understand why God would do this, or if it isn't God, we don't understand why he isn't fixing it--but He will try the faith of His people to see if they'll hold to what they know He has given them. I know I receive peace from the scriptures, from the Book of Mormon, I know the focus on the Savior and the Atonement are the fundamentals and the key to everything--if nothing else that is happening makes sense, I know those few things make sense.

Third, on the Mormons Building Bridges Facebook group, someone had posted in response to today's article that all she could think, even as she cried, was a primary song, too:

You don't have to push a handcart,

Or leave your fam'ly dear,

Or walk a thousand miles or more

To be a pioneer!

You do need to have great courage,

Faith to conquer fear,

And work with might for a cause that's right

To be a pioneer!

If you or your loved ones are deeply affected by changes like we discovered today, it is learning to push forward, to hold to our faith, to forgive, to smile through the tears, to figure out where we stand in this infinite universe when everything seems to stand in our way, to confuse us, to make things even more difficult than we could have previously imagined possible--that is what makes us pioneers, refines us in that refiner's fire, and qualifies us to stand shoulder to shoulder with ancient and modern prophets.

As Elder Holland said in a BYU Speech in 1984,

“If for a while the harder you try, the harder it gets, take heart. So it has been with the best people who ever lived."