Perhaps Such Things Have to Happen

Or, My Search for Amulek

I personally have spent a lot of years living by a motto that has served me particularly well, "fake it until you make it." It has not only brought me through trials, but seen me promote professionally, overcome crises of faith, and make big, gigantic decisions that would have otherwise paralyzed me with fear. And, really, if I could sum faith up into an action--that would be it: faking it until you make it. 

I can consistently study scripture to get an idea of how God functions and speaks, I can try and apply those principles, I can follow the patterns set up by what I've taught to be inspired men and women, I can do all of these things to be as close to God as possible, but no matter how close to God or how much studying I've done--He's going to expect me to make my own decisions at some point. And I have to make the jump, I have to move forward and say, "I have no idea what I'm doing, God, I have no idea if you're there, if you're listening, if you're going to catch me, or how much this is going to hurt but.... HERE GOES!!!" and then jump. And that's faith to me. 

That kind of Fake-It-Til-You-Make-It Faith is how I (try) to live my life at home, at work, wherever--and I think that's what faith really comes down to. Of course, be wise, try and learn as you go along, use your resources, and figure out what you can do in the meantime (that's the "until you make it" part). But I feel like that is also the point of our existence: to see what we will choose to take a leap of faith on regardless of results, not to see how much of the theory we can commit to memory and teach others. (I'm really hoping the Judgment Bar isn't a multiple choice scantron.)

We know God has all the answers, He knows the results of any action or direction we may go--but we're going to be left on our own to choose sometimes--and one of those times when we are left alone to completely choose on our own will be a moment when we are faced a second-time, all alone, without a great spiritual witness to confirm or deny, to decide if what you believe in is real or not.

If you haven't experienced this yet, you will. How can you know? Because no man or woman can be saved in ignorance (D&C 131:6). One day, you're going to have to make the choice without God standing by your side. The same way that the Savior had to go through His last moments suffering in agony in crucifixion, crying out, "My, God, My, God, why hast thou forsaken me?" (Matt. 27:46) After seeing all of time and space with the Lord, Moses denied Satan and was left alone to watch him "rant and rave upon the earth" and he feared and saw the very depths of Hell. Even the Prophet Joseph Smith cried out, asking, "where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding face?" Three leaders of their dispensations who had to persevere without God at their side--one of them, even having been with God moments before, shows us that such a thing should be expected. 

Perhaps we will not be left alone to face the Adversary rant and rave upon the earth in all his terrifying power, but we will be left to face him equipped with nothing more than our greatest asset--the asset that sets us apart from all of creation: our ability to act, instead of to be acted upon.

Maybe you'll have multiple trials of faith like this--trials where you cry out to God and weep, "Are you even listening to me? Is anyone even there? How can there be a God there if you allow this to happen?" Or maybe you'll only have one--but I guarantee you'll have at least one. Maybe it will be a trial of faith that will last your entire life, a trial where you say, "everyone else seems to have this deep testimony of the gospel, of Christ, of the Church, of Joseph Smith, of the Book of Mormon, but I don't. I never receive that no matter how hard I try. Is there something wrong with me? Is this actually a collective hysteria or cult? Am I the only sane one here? Or am I sticking around for the wrong reasons?"

To all of those possible questions you might be asking God, of course I can't tell you what the answer is, but I do know that He hears and loves you. Whatever is going on in your life, whatever trial you're facing, your Redeemer lives and knows you intimately. And you may have deep, heartfelt, burning questions that hurt, but He knows what they are.

Keep asking. Keep searching. Keep praying. Keep trying.

There is help and happiness ahead.

One of my favorite quotes from Elder Holland, that I've quoted in the past and probably will do so again, is this:

“If for a while the harder you try, the harder it gets, take heart. So it has been with the best people who ever lived." - Elder Holland, BYU Address, 1984

I also want to tell anyone suffering, hurting, or lost in their trials of faith the story of the Zoramites, or as interpreted the way I most recently read it.

Back in Alma 32 - 35, we usually hear all about the Zoramites about how wicked and evil they are because of their Rameumptom and priestcraft, recently, with the LDS Policy Handbook Change, others have written, spoken about, and blogged about the poor in this section who are cast out of their synagogues and aren't allowed to worship--and then Alma sweeps in and teaches these humbled Zoramites that they truly can worship anywhere. Alma teaches the basics of faith, that they should be truly worshipping and praying to the Lord in all times and places, and explains the Atonement.

What's truly fascinating to me about this section is that these poverty-stricken Zoramites, people many of which Alma remarks were not compelled to be compelled to be humble, who were now converts followed Alma over to the neighbor-city Jershon, leaving the remaining rich and prideful Zoramites alone to do whatever they want. But, because of the success of Alma and Amulek's teachings with the poor, the rulers of the rich and prideful Zoramites find out that the remaining rich and prideful Zoramites were actually in favor of Alma's words to, so they tried to petition the neighbor city to cast out their new inhabits as well--and failed! This lead to Alma's converts heading over to joining the Ammonites in another land to live peacefully but even there they were in danger.

What this shows us is that when you are truly someone of worth, when you are humble, when you kind, when you are a light unto the world, when you are everything the world is trying to crush--it will try to crush you. And when you try and do good, do not be surprised when it tries to crush you again and again when you are found doing more and more good. But as you follow the story of these converts that followed Alma, remember that they are taken in and given aid by not only the people of Jershon and the Ammonites, but ultimately had the entirety of the Nephites on their side as well.

It is worth it. Persevere. Our When we fight through to what we have decided is right, now what you're told is right, but what you've decided is right.

One of the comments made when scholars, church historians, and church leaders returned to the site of the ironically named Liberty Jail was by a descendant of the Prophet Joseph, "Perhaps such things have to happen..." the trials, the hurts, the unjust persecution, the non-sensical pains and griefs that don't seem to have any such reason, the situations where the only possible explanation is "stuff happens," all of those truly are for our benefit and learning--"it made schoolteachers of them," Joseph F Smith said.

When the Savior cried out, "why hast thou forsaken me?" after having spent probably his entire life with the companionship of the Spirit, He probably learned in the flesh a great deal about our mortal experience--and I doubt that in that moment the Lord had truly ever been closer to His Son than when the Spirit had to leave His body at that time. I believe the same to be true of us. When we're in pain, when we hurt, the Lord is waiting on us in that moment with His hand outstretched--perhaps He will not provide the kind of answer or comfort we wish, but He aches to give us aide as we ache for comfort. And, sometimes, those times of inexplicable, incomparable agony we go through are our personal temples of learning--places and times where we learn greater capacities for patience, love, or other divine attributes, or perhaps the Lord is waiting for us to ask Him guidance or the right question for Him to provide the kind of revelation that becomes canonized in our own personal scripture, much like the answers to Joseph's suffering in Liberty Jail did as D&C 121.

Remember! Don't give up! You can get through this! Do not to give up! You may feel forsaken by everyone and everything at some point--but if you believe God has made you a promise, don't look back on what you're giving up to get there! It's worth it!

I subtitled this piece, "Or, Finding My Amulek" and it ties into this the rest of this for a specific reason. I started this blog with a purpose--and that purpose was not to join in and give my two-bits on the latest LDS/LGBT battle royale that happened in the beginning of November (trust me, it would have happened whether I was planning on writing a new blog piece or not), the topic on that day was only the last bit of motivation I needed to start on what was something I had prompted and impressed upon to do for a long time: share what I knew, share what I believed, share my story, and let the Lord use my testimony to build others as He may.

When I say, "Finding My Amulek," I mean that quite literally. The Lord has used Alma and Amulek's mission to give me the courage I needed to get out of the engagement with my ex-fiance, who was more or less an evangelical atheist and definitely not going to be my Amulek, to encourage me to seek out friends who needed spiritual building up, to create this blog to share what I know and believe, and to remind me that He has a male eternal companion in store for me who has a testimony and mission equal to mine.

Putting such a huge, vulnerable statement on the internet is daunting and scary--but I do it intentionally, hoping it encourages other LGBTQ+ individuals of faith to seek out their eternal companion of faith, to seek them out prayerfully, and not to settle for less than what the Lord promises them--because it will be worth the heartache, the patience it will require, the search, the effort, the pain of witnessing the downright Zoramite-like tactics of the Lord's church sometimes instead of choosing someone who isn't a part of things and trying to forget.

Remember Lot's Wife--once the Lord has promised you something, once He has sent you in a direction--don't turn back on what you want because you're scared. Don't glance back because you're afraid of what it might cost, that it might not happen, or that what God is asking you to sacrifice now won't be worth what he's promised in return later. If God has promised you an eternal companion of the same-gender--don't turn your back on it in fear of your family's reprisal. If God has promised you a place of glory in your kingdom and confirmed the validity and righteousness of your decision and need for gender transition surgery--don't turn back because of what it may cost you, the Lord said He will take you there, so let Him take you.

What all of these different stories I have included have in common is this:

Don't turn back in so great a cause, it's worth it. Keep trying.

• If you don't know if it's the right choice but you've tried your best to figure out what to do, pray that the Lord will catch you, jump, and don't look back.
• You have to be ready to choose what you believe today--don't turn back, keep trying, it's worth it.
• The world wants nothing more than to crush what is good. When the good start doing things that are better, it wants to crush you more--but there is help and happiness ahead--keep moving forward, keep trying, don't turn back, you're further than you were before, it's worth it.
• Every trial and pain teaches us something--keep going, don't turn back, it's worth it, you're further than before.
• If God has made you a promise, whatever it is you have to sacrifice to receive that promise will be worth it--remember Lot's wife, don't turn back, keep trying, it will always be worth it, let Him take you where He promised.

Every small step you take in the face of massive adversity is still another step further than you were before. The Lord knows you. He notices you. Trusting in Him and His promises will result in everything working out for your good.

Fritz von Uhde, Suffer the Little Children (1884)

In Fritz von Uhde's painting of the Savior surrounded by assumingly German children in 1884, He paints the Savior in such a way that shows how he's supposed to be there, he's part of the picture, he's a participant, he's not an outside force or super emphasized like many more modern picture's of Christ.

This says something a little different from other paintings of the Savior, while others speak powerfully about the majesty of the Lord, His humility, omnipotence, or love, this one seems to speak one message so powerful: it was for you. I came here for you, so that I could know you intimately and I still do.

And I believe He still does. He knows our situations, our struggles, our needs, and the solutions to our problems. Are we reaching out to Him for the answers we truly need, prepared to believe those answers, and willing to act on them--asking with "true intent" as Moroni put it? Or are we scared of the answers we might actually receive--even if they're the answers we actually want to receive?

I know the Lord is listening. Are we?