2015: Achieving Definition Through Conflict and Gratitude

"A culture's teachings, and most importantly, the nature of its people, achieve definition in conflict. They find themselves… or find themselves lacking." 

- Kreia, Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic II 

Gratitude for the difficult things in our lives is the hardest thing to ever have--but its practicing that piece of that I think allows us to actually have an attitude that everything is as it should be, it allows us peace. So, like everyone and their dog and their goldfish, I've put together a little bit of a 2015 Year in Review, but only the Major Hit's and What They Mean when I try and take inventory of what last year actually means.

Because really, when I look at last year--it is really unfathomable to me to think about how much happened last year.

So, for the biggest hits on last year's timeline include:

• Moving in with and getting engaged to someone who turned out to be severely mentally unwell with a diagnosis that changed regularly, but was always on the extreme end,
• Making the decision to choose myself and my future over taking care of someone else for the rest of my life and ending the engagement,
• A severe nervous breakdown (unrelated to the end of the engagement), 
• Finding a medication cocktail that finally seems to be more successful than anything previously (discovered in relation to the breakdown), 
• The mentally unwell ex-fiance continuing to stalk me and attempt to cause issues even through today, 
• Three-promotions at the full-time job I started only a year ago with hopefully another on the horizon, 
• Massive personal emotional growth.

And that's really only some of what happened. But I don't regret an ounce of it. Because it all needed to happen. Because all of it resulted in the last bullet point.

It's been a rollercoaster of a year with huge ups and giant downs. But interestingly, my entire year was perfectly balanced. For every gigantic negative, there was an equally fantastic positive that would follow close-by. It was definitely a Hand of God/Pendulum Effect or something, because the entire year was like that--and I think God did it on purpose:

Nervous breakdown requiring nearly a week and a half of work off in misery? Have the most fantastic medication setup you've ever had in your life plus some side-effects that will more than make up for the work you missed because you're so focused and productive and on-top of things for the first month you're on it! Had a chance to go to Indianapolis and get paid overtime hours to give away $1000 in presents + a giant check for around $600 to 3-families for Christmas? We'll give you a breather, but then follow it up with twice the amount of misery when you have relationship issues and have your ex-fiance cause trouble, but then bring everything back into perspective and remind you how you have some of the greatest friends in the world when Mika, Raul, and Jared come and pick you up when you're down at the drop of a hat.

It was like my life was one of those science-y things with all the chrome hanging clacking balls that show motion/momentum traveling. Just one end to the other, non-stop.

The quote at the top of this post is from one of my favorite video games of all time from a character who actually defined a lot of my worldview from an early age. Kreia, the gray Jedi who ultimately turns out to be using you to seek revenge on those who betrayed her, is your mentor in the game and attempts to teach you to see the world in shades of gray--that all battles define us and a lack of conflict would even cause us to stagnate and weaken.

This concept of conflicts and trials always being times where we will either succeed and grow drastically from it or die trying (much like a videogame) has stuck with me through the years and has pulled me through some of the darkest of times. While some conflicts we find ourselves in because of our own stupidity and choices, I really look back on this past year and see the major things that have happened without any regret.

Had I not gone through anything that I had gone through in my life, I know I wouldn't be who I am today--those miserable, dark, horrible times, those are the things that define me.

When I pray, I know I forget to thank Him for the miserable times--and I think that's my New Year's Resolution. Or at least, that's what I'm adding as my 17th.

Because the bad things in my life don't really take away from the good things and the good things don't take away from the good things. But the bad things certainly make me a stronger, better, more complete defined person--so I hope to be more grateful for the bad, the hard, the difficult things this year.